Nervous and Irrational

My heart rate begins to increase, my breathing slows, and my chest feels tight. I begin to lose the ability to focus, and I feel as though I am no longer in control of my body. I bump into things, begin to worry about everything that comes out of my mouth. I stumble on words, I say almost nonsensical things.

Obviously, I am nervous.

The situations in which this nervousness occurs is almost random. I am hit with waves of nervousness when I have no reason to be. I get the obvious public speaking nervousness, but that I can cope with. It's the social nervousness that I hate.

Just today, I became incredibly nervous when talking to someone I've known for three years, I ran into a door, I could barely stand still, I could barely breath.

This helps contribute to my occasional social awkwardness. Occasionally, when someone I know (most likely a cute girl) walks up to talk to me, I lose all complete ability to form complete sentences, and lose my extensive vocabulary, reduced to only the simplest words and phrases.

After these encounters, I often replay them in my mind over and over again, cringing over the stupid things I said.

Even when I know I am going to see someone I am usually nervous around, I total screw it up. I plan out everything I am going to say, and insert what I think they will say in response. Though, in practice, I flub everything.

The worst thing though is when I think of a clever joke for the situation, and I screw up the timing/delivery/the whole damn thing. That's when I really get mad at myself. Not only did I look like a complete fool, but I screwed up my chance to appear witty, humorous, and smart.

The amount of people that must think I am a moron is most likely high. I do a good job of portraying myself as such. I have actually used that to my advantage at work lately, trying to make customers think I am dumb so they will stop asking me questions. It's wonderful, I can clean the lobby at work, think about some deep philosophical matter/my last awkward social situation/how much I hate my job, and a customer can walk up and ask me a question, and I can mutter some unsatisfactory response, and they will give up.

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When I go to shop somewhere, I know what I want, usually. And, I know where it is. So, I will walk to that aisle, and... oh no. Someone is already in that aisle, right where I need to look. So what do I do?

I walk around until they leave. Yep, that is my irrational response. I just can't stand looking for what I want at a bookstore with some guy standing right next to me. I always imagine that person judging my selection of literature, or something. I'm not sure what I imagine. I just know that I can't do it. Just like I can't pee if there is someone else in the restroom, I can't browse with someone in the same aisle.

It gets bad too. Once, when I went to a bookstore wanting to buy a graphic novel (I ended up buying Blankets, which I cannot recommend highly enough), I saw someone in that aisle. I had just started my graphic novel reading, which meant I definitely couldn't search for something with someone hovering over my shoulder. I waited twenty minutes for this guy to leave. Seriously, I wandered around for twenty minutes, until this guy left the aisle. I was pretty ashamed, I have to tell you.

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More Soon. No worries.

Also, to mention, the other blog is slow to update. Not because of lack of ideas, but mostly lack of time. It has also been difficult to try and write what I've been wanting to write. Not sure why. But, I will relaunch it soon, make it a little different. I have lots of ideas, I just don't know how to express them right now.

The Divine Inspiration of a Poor Tree Farmer

This is the rough draft I submitted for class. We just had to write a short story. I don't think it's very good, but I like it anyway. I certainly hope to improve my style, but this is my first real attempt.

With two hundred thousand people starring at me and the television cameras pointed at my face, I began to realize that I was in way over my head. Many people find themselves wondering “How did I get here”, not me; I know how I got here, and who got me here. The person, if you can call Him a person, was God, who actually turned out to be a jerk.

Listen: Just a few months ago, I was just a simple farmer… a tree farmer and a pretty bad one at that. I was poor; I hadn’t planned out my finances very well. I hadn’t anticipated that trees would take so long to grow. It’s not as if I knew much about tree farming when I started, my parents weren’t tree farmers, and there were no tree farming courses at my college. These are things you must find out first hand! Sure, I could have asked a tree farmer, but how many tree farmers do you know? None. Except for me, I suppose, but I digress. My point is that I am poor. I’m still paying off my college loans. If you are wondering, I received a degree in philosophy and then decided that life was absurd and pointless. As a result of this decision, I choose to pick the stupidest profession I could think of merely to entertain myself in some weird way.

So, there I was, in the middle of the winter, in my shack next to my forest, eating bark. It’s not so bad; you get lots of fiber which makes you very regular. This may be more information than you want, but I could probably set a clock to my bowl movements. Anyway, there I was, eating my bark, drinking my rainwater, and trying to figure out where my life went wrong. In the middle of my dinner, I was interrupted by this incredibly bright light outside my shack. At first, I thought that my forest was ablaze, or that I was having an acid flashback. I opened the door of my home, and immediately shut my eyes tight and fell to the ground. It felt as if my eyes had just burst into flame, and I felt heat all over my body. Then, I heard “Oh stand up you pathetic imbecile”. The person who said it had a very deep voice, it sounded like James Earl Jones had just eaten peanut butter. I stood up, and opened my eyes again. It still hurt a lot, but I could see what was emanating the light. I immediately realized what was going on, and smacked my hand against my forehead. I softly said “Oh no…”

“What? What is it, why do you say, oh no?” wondered the glowing white being

“Well, you see... I’m an atheist, so, I’m kind of committed to thinking you don’t exist. This kind of shatters my whole world view”

“Yes, those who do not believe are fools”

“Or maybe… or maybe I am just crazy, yeah, I think I must be crazy. I must have cabin fever or something, I mean, I haven’t seen another human being in over five years, I haven’t been off this farm for ten… My diet consists of bark and bugs I find. Yeah, I am just delirious.”

“No, you are not. I am the Lord, your god”

“No… try; I am the Lord, your hallucination. Listen, as long as you are just in my mind, could you turn off the whole bright light thing, I get the point, you are divine”

And, immediately, the light dimmed. I could see that this God fellow was just white humanoid, devoid of any unique characteristics. He looked like a male mannequin.

“Alright, if you are this God-thing, then, what do you want with me?”

“Well, I like picking poor, destitute, chemically imbalanced men to be my prophets. So, you are it”

“Uh, so, what do you want to tell me about life? What information would you like me to relay to the human race? A message of kindness and compassion? A blistery fire and brimstone sermon? That it’s cool to be gay now? I hope it’s something exciting.”

“Nothing like that, I just want you to tell the human race that I am leaving to create a new galaxy, that this one has began to bore me, and that you are all on your own now”

“That’s kind of depressing. But people will never believe me, and they will probably get mad if I start saying things like that, I’ll get stoned, like, Old Testament style.”

“No worries, I no longer care about the fate of this world, so I will just give you the power to perform miracles… trivial miracles. Yes…yes… and I want you to use your new powers to prove that you are a prophet of God, and then tell them I am leaving”

“Uh, if you are leaving, why do you care if we know or not?”

“Well, there are a lot of people who have invested a lot of time and money in worshipping me, and I feel as though I owe them a goodbye, though, I don’t want to get too personal, so, you are it”

And He was gone. The human race was alone in the universe. I didn’t really care too much, but I knew some people would be pretty sore about it. I had a long few months ahead of me. I had no idea where to start. I used my new found powers to conjure myself some money, and bought a computer. With my new found access to the internet, I needed to figure out a way to make myself famous. After searching around for a while, I decided that making a video of myself doing something miraculous and posting it on a popular video website would be a good start. So, I bought a video camera, and sought out someone to perform a trivial miracle on. I began walking around, changing people’s hair colors, turning diet soda into regular soda, bringing road kill back to life, and flipping light switches from across the room. I posted my video and called it “God Sent Me to Impress You with My Skillz”

Comments were mostly negative. Well, they were all negative, but some were negative in a nice way. Some said awful things about me and my mother, and a few compared me to Hitler for some reason. I didn’t think that was appropriate at all. I knew that this was no way to get famous, so I had to use my miracle powers to do it. I changed all the negative comments to glowing reviews, and added about five million views to my video. I went outside to my forest, conjured a hammock, and awaited the arrival of the major news corporations.

I was awoken by somebody poking me. I opened my eyes, and saw what I knew I would. There were cameras set up all around me, and a man in a nice suit was warming up for our interview. I walked up to him, and told him that I was sent by God to deliver a message to mankind, and that I was going to do it when he interviewed me. He loved the idea, but this guy walked up to me from the news van. “No, that won’t work” the man said.

“What? Why not?”

“Listen, if people buy this whole sent from God thing, it has huge potential, you could have millions of followers, make a fortune! And, we want to be there every step of the way. How about a television show? Anything you want! Just impress people in this interview, and word will spread. Come up with some phony baloney advice, we will have you publish some self-help book, and presto, we are all a lot richer.”

“I don’t have any good advice… I mean, I’m a tree farmer living in a shack eating bark, I don’t have anything to say… well, other than the whole message from God thing.”

“Don’t worry about that, we will make it all up for you, you will just have to read what we tell you to read, and we will be fine. You have these little magic tricks, and we have all the advice you need to make us all rich. And, you can even deliver your little message from God, provided it won’t offend anyone.”

“Well… alright, I won’t spill the beans just yet.”

And that is what started this whole crazy spiral of press, money, orgies, drugs, books, church, and television appearances that have consumed my life for the last few months. My popularity was finally starting to dwindle, so my agent told me that it was time to deliver the whole message from God. The only problem was I couldn’t really remember it that well. Two months of sniffing the finest glue in the world will cause you to forget some things. I couldn’t tell anyone that though, so I just figured that it would come back to me.

So, that is how I got to be on that stage, in front of the whole world. Well, at least the people with televisions, the half of the world that is starving to death has no idea all this stupid stuff is going on, but everyone else was watching me. It was time to speak.

“Uh… Hello” I began, feeling uncertain of myself. I then told my life story, up to when God visited me. I continued “When God visited me, well; He had nothing but nice things to say… He wanted you all to know that He was proud of you all, and that you should give yourselves nice pats on the back… Oh! And He also wanted you all to know He existed, so, that’s cool, I guess… I know there was something else… about him going on a vacation or something…”

At this point, people started to lose their patience, they started to leave and boo. I was thinking that I was losing them, and God was going to be mad… and that’s when I remembered.

“Oh, yeah! That’s right, I remember now. God wanted to let you all know that he is leaving our universe! He is going to start a new one… he got bored or something. Geez, that blows huh? I forgot how depressing that was… but, hey, now that He’s out of the picture, we can party and stuff right? Like all the time?”

People kept leaving, they didn’t want my message from God, they didn’t believe me, they were angry at me for even suggesting such a thing. Didn’t God realize that people wouldn’t believe me? That they wouldn’t want to accept what I had to say? I went back to my shack in disgrace, and found my shack and forest burned to the ground. All my worldly possessions were gone. And so were my powers. God’s message went unheard, and people went on living just as they had before. All of their prayers went unanswered. No one noticed that God was gone… except me. For those months, I had something to believe in, that what God told me was true, and that I could accomplish His mission. He was wrong, and I was nobody again. I had less than when I started.

I had the memories though. I did have a good time doing all of those things. Perhaps I couldn’t have done them without my trivial miracle powers, but, I did them all the same. I still thought life was absurd, but I no longer cared if it was pointless or not. I just wanted to have fun, to enjoy life. So, I grabbed some bark off of one of my remaining trees, and started walking. I didn’t know where I was going, or what I was going to do, but I was going to go and do something. And I was going to enjoy it. Or, I wasn’t, but I would have those memories. And in the end, that is all anyone ever has

Here Comes December, How I Missed Thee

Life is pretty good right now. I am starting to hate my job more and more every week, but that's nothing new. Politics are slow, and I have a lot more free time now that I don't have to spend all my time pouring over polls.

December 4th is going to mark my third year at showplace. How magical. I remember that day well... I didn't realize it at the time, but I would meet people I truly cherish now.

Mid-December will mark one year after the end of my long and only relationship.

People often ask if I regret those two years of my life. In my bitterest moments I say yes. I mean, what if I missed every opportunity at something better? Something that would have lasted.

I pushed people away who were my true friends simply because they were girls, simply because of jealousy. What if I hadn't pushed them away? What would things be like today?

But, I generally say that I do not regret those two years. I learned a lot. And, most of the memories were fantastic. I learned so many lessons. I learned not to fool myself simply because it was more convenient than the truth... I fooled myself into thinking that we belonged together, even though it became apparent that we did not. I learned above all that I had no idea who I really was.

Ah... December. I remember the bitter cold of last year. I remember how cruel it was at times, and how liberating it became.

How at one moment the cold was something to be avoided at all costs. But, at other times, I embraced it, and felt the icy sting of winter on my cheek, and loved it.

Now, I am reminded of last winter every time I venture outside and it's freezing.

I am reminded of the adventures, those times I had with some of the friends I no longer had to push away.

I remember the hopes and dreams that I fostered throughout the winter, but died by spring.

Those dreams of a new and better romance, of a new life...

By spring, the snow melted with my hope... I realized how much I had been fooling myself again.

Now I realize that those memories were wonderful, magical, even without my dreams of romance being realized.

This winter I harbor new aspirations. I torture myself like this... By getting my own hopes up with these fantasies(of the non-sexual variation) and then I slowly begin to understand how deluded I am.

How much I've tricked myself into thinking these things are possible. To think that kind of happiness is possible... This last year, I've gotten used to being single...

But, I haven't gotten used to being alone...

It's hard. It was hard before my only relationship. I see others enjoying each other's happiness.

I have only my own to enjoy. I have only myself to really celebrate my triumphs... and only myself to shoulder my shortfalls and mistakes...

The cold reminds me most of my lost dreams, and my new ones. I am almost certain they will meet the same fate. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing, perhaps it is for the best. I no longer think that everything happens for a reason.

Today was especially torturous. I waited the entire day for just a few minutes of joy. And it certainly was joyous for me. I melted at her smile... as always. As I always have. I think my ex-girlfriend knew that better than I did at the time.

My silly crushes. I no longer even dream of reveling them. How could I? Risk destruction of my friendship? That is something I cherish far too much to lose. And, how could I inform them that I have these feelings? It feels as if that would be a burden to them. It feels as if I would be punishing them with for being my friend. They don't deserve that...

All my happiness is a respite from my fears, from my short comings as a person, from my stress.

I am happy a majority of the time. I fear, however, that this winter will be a particularly dark one, full of bittersweet memories. I have my wonderful family and friends though, just like last time. I'll be just fine. No worries.

Change is coming!

To this blog? Perhaps... I am really loving how my layout has come together. It creates the perfect level of irony. However, as I want to start posting non-political blogs, I think I will have to create a separate site for those. I will be sure to keep you all updated if I do so.

Also, I would like to thank those of you who read this silly thing, I appreciate it quite a bit. Though, at this point, I don't really care if anyone reads these entries or not, I just enjoy writing.

I just need to come up with a name for my personal/philosophical blog. I've gotten this one taken care of, now I just need another name.

But, I don't want suggestions, this has to be something meaningful to me.

Also, I am thinking about ending anonymous posts, because they are getting annoying. If you comment on my blog, I would like to know who you are. Is it so hard to enter a name?

Next time I get an anonymous comment like this "He won't get reelected because he will get shot" I am ending anonymous comments. I don't want to, I am a free speech freak and all, but really, it just pisses me off. I really wish that person had entered their name, so I would know who I need not ever talk to again.

Anyway, back to CHANGE. In a few months, I am going to be switching from my gleeful support of Obama to a harsh critic. After all, you must remember, he is not our boss, it is the other way around. We, who got him elected, are his boss. And we demand that our will be done. He'd better do a damned good job. I am optimistic, but I am ready to start calling him the next Clinton and a damned moderate governing from the center-right.

I really like Obama as a person. It is yet to be seen if I will like him as a President.

The New Dawn of Liberalism

Congratulations fellow Comrades! We have done it! We have spoken! We have turned our state blue! We have elected a true progressive to the presidency. We have elected a black man, Virginia elected a black man... the state of Jefferson Davis! Wow, just amazing.

We have done our part. Now Obama must deliver.

He must not be another Bill Clinton. He must not govern from the center-right. This is not a center-right country, not anymore. This is a moderate, liberal leaning country, whether our citizens would like to admit that or not.

He must govern from the left, and move our country in that way dramatically.

Though, he must include some republicans in this process. I think he would be wise to choose Dick Lugar as the Secretary of State, and Chuck Hagel as the U.N. ambassador.

He must above all, do a great job. He must be like FDR. I want to be able to speak proudly of the social achievements that BHO was able to accomplish.
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And, conservatives, really, it isn't going to be as awful as you fear. And, you can call us stupid all you want, but really, after the last eight years, did you really expect a different result?

Did you really expect us stupid Americans to be tricked again? Bush said it best "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... you ain't gonna fool me again"

Call us stupid all you want. Please. Turn our political discourse uglier. Say that your world is over, threaten to move to... what Iran? You'd like it there, war-hawks, religious fanatics, ultra-nationalism.

I hope we liberals weren't as nasty about our loss four years ago. I am damn glad we lost four years ago. I am still upset about losing eight years ago.

Honestly. I promise you that the world will not be destroyed. Your silly end-times and other fairy tails won't happen. Obama is not the Antichrist. Because such a thing doesn't exist, you silly people. Israel won't be destroyed. I know conservatives love Israel because you need it for your apocalypse, so Jesus can come back and kill all the jews, or whatever.

Now, with Obama, we can avoid an actual apocalypse, it's called climate change. It's real, there is evidence, evidence that doesn't come from a book written two thousand years ago. It has more validation than Santa Claus.

I promise you all, we will be fine. Obama is not a socialist.

I would like to thank those of you who kept me going throughout this election:

Comrade Sarah Goth, Alex Abbott, Ian Shepherd, Stephen Barker, Jon Paul, Cameron Schimmel, V.I. Fritz, Faith Schooler, Jane Collins, and... well, I'm sure I'm forgetting a few of you, I'm sorry... also, to Matt Rogers, who is, like many conservatives, a very good guy, and one of the smartest people I have ever met. I hope that they don't view eight years of Obama as we liberals view the last eight years. That they are able to find some common ground. And that America changes in such a fundamentally positive way that they must admit success.

Is the progressive tax socialism? Also: "Cult of Personality"

If it is, then most Presidents have been socialists as well.

Was Adam Smith a dirty commie? I mean, he died twenty-eight years before Marx was born, but still, check out this quote.

The necessaries of life occasion the great expense of the poor. They find it difficult to get food, and the greater part of their little revenue is spent in getting it. The luxuries and vanities of life occasion the principal expense of the rich, and a magnificent house embellishes and sets off to the best advantage all the other luxuries and vanities which they possess. A tax upon house-rents, therefore, would in general fall heaviest upon the rich; and in this sort of inequality there would not, perhaps, be anything very unreasonable. It is not very unreasonable that the rich should contribute to the public expense, not only in proportion to their revenue, but something more than in that proportion.

Comrade Eisenhower was Marx reincarnated in this case, under his administration, and a republican congress the top tax rate was 91%.

Nixon as well, top tax rate? 70%. I'm surprised McCarthy didn't drive the American flag straight through his heart.

McCain also opposed the Bush tax cuts saying "When you reach a certain level of comfort, there's nothing wrong with paying somewhat more"

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So, whats so evil about the progressive tax system? Isn't it just punishing people for being wealthy?

Well, first of all, I agree with the McCain quote I referenced before.

Also:

- Those who are wealthy have more political influence. Therefore they will have more say in implementing laws that favor their interests. This, over time, will cause a greater gap between the poor and the super wealthy. The progressive tax is a way to "redistribute wealth" in a fair way. The tax revenue can be used to build infrastructure, create new government jobs, improve education, and fund social programs that millions depend on.

- As an individual's wealth increases, they spend less and save more, and as the poor lose money, they can't spend as much as they previously did. Demand can be create by taxing the poor less by taxing the rich more.

- The rich have a greater need of public services than do the poor. The wealthy need services such as national defense, protection of property by police agencies, and infrastructure more than the poor do. The poor need not worry about millions of dollars being stolen from them, nor large terrorist attacks to cripple the economy of the country.

Those are just the simple, cookie cutter arguments. I think a progressive tax represents fundamental economic fairness. I don't think it punishes those who succeed, it just helps others to succeed as well, even if their success isn't as great. Even if is just a modest dream, the progressive tax makes them all possible. It allows the poor to pay little to no taxes, and the rich to pay a higher tax so that no social programs will have to be cut.

I have only had one semester of economic classes, so, I don't have graphs or anything. But, I am minoring in economics, so I should be able to wow you all in a few years.
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"Cult of Personality"

Often ignorant people discuss politics. This is painful for me. It happens on both sides, ignorant democrats and republicans are most likely equal. The result to silly character attacks and calling each other fascists, commies, traitors, and terrorists. They support politicians fervently whom they know nothing about, with the exception of the (D) or (R).

Most of the ignorance has been towards Obama this election season:

That Obama, he's a muslin, an Arab, and he sat through that evil REVEREND, AT CHURCH.

That Obama is a socialist, he will make this the United Socialist States of America! He will enslave the white race, declare a jihad on Christianity, force schools to teach Islam and Marxism, and crash Air Force One into the white house. After all his name is BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, which sounds a lot like that one guy, Osama bin Hussein, the guy responsible for the 9/11 attack, which is why we invaded his country Iraq. Why would we elect a terrorist like that president?

That Obama! He's black! ITS CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE. He would probably paint it black.

That Obama, he kills babies! BABIES, CUTE LITTLE BABIES, HE PUTS THEM ON TABLES, STABS THEM, AND DRINKS THEIR BLOOD. HE WOULD MAKE ABORTION MANDATORY. FOR WHITES.

That Obama, he draws thousands of people to his rallies. You know who else did that? Hitler. Therefore, Obama is just like Hitler. Even though Hitler would have had Obama killed. Obama would do the same to whitie! Obama has a loyal and efficient grassroots organization? Guess who else did? Hitler, and his supporters KILLED PEOPLE. They killed socialist like Obama... err, I mean, Obama is a nazi. And a socialist. (I don't argue with people who bring up Obama/Hitler comparisons, nor people who make pictures of Obama in Nazi outfit. Only a fool argues with a fool, after all)

HE WOULD ABOLISH HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE. ONLY MARRIAGE FOR GAYZ.

AND HE KILLS BABIES, AND HE IS BLACK. FOR FUCKS SAKE, HE IS BLACKK!!!! AHHHH.

Listen whities, Obama poses no threat to any of you. Listen, conservatives, once again, Obama poses no threat to you.

Listen, if Obama wins, I will try and comfort my conservative friends. We will make it through this thing together, alright?

The Hopes and Fears of all our Years are Here With Us Tonight

Tomorrow is what most have been calling the most important election of a lifetime. Perhaps it is, though I have only been around for eighteen years. I am nervous right now, anxious at the possible result tomorrow might bring.

If McCain wins, it will be validation that liberalism is dead in America. Thankfully, McCain won't be able to get anything done with 56-58 democrats in the senate. And guess what else? Roe V. Wade won't be overturned, sorry. Social conservatives will have been tricked again, voting for the ticket that they thought would outlaw sodomy and abortion, and teach abstinence only education across the entire United States. None of that will happen.

Wars will escalate however. Tension will increase with the middle-eastern superpower that is Iran. Fear will be paramount in a McCain administration. Permanent war is a necessary objective for those with power to retain that power.

More will die without cause. We will become more polarized with the rest of the world. Nationalism will reign supreme. Critics will be labeled traitors or worse.

McCain will either be reelected or step down due to age. Palin will win her election, after all, she didn't accidentally hit the nuke button in those four/eight years of being VP.

Or, perhaps Obama will win. Perhaps the United States of America will elect a black man. A black man with the name Barack Hussein Obama. America, with the horrible legacy of slavery and Jim Crow laws, will elect a black man. Not only will this be the greatest triumph in American history, but it will be perhaps the greatest triumph in the history of the world. Perhaps you feel this is hyperbolic, and perhaps you are right.

Obama is as smart as it gets. He is a true elite.

But, with electing Obama, fears will always be present. What if he is killed? The first black president the victim of an assassin's bullet. Along with the terrible legacy of slavery, America also holds the terrible legacy of political assassinations. If Obama is killed the darkest cloud of all will be cast upon this nation. I cannot imagine the ramifications.

And, what if Obama is unable to restore this country? What if due to events that may be out of his control, he is viewed as a failure? Racists will feel vindicated. Liberalism will start to die out. We will protract back to the middle ages. Perhaps we will be able to achieve that long awaited theocracy that so many have wished for. Perhaps in the next thirty years.

And if Obama is the next FDR? Lincoln? Our greatest President? Well, I cannot imagine the ramifications of that either. It is far too wonderful of a thought to comprehend for someone who has only really lived through Bush.

If Obama wins, I won't be proud of America. How could I be? Being proud of a country is silly. I will be proud of humanity.

The Heavy Burden of Consciousness

We are all the same, really. I'm not talking about egalitarianism, I'm talking about the most basic level. I'm talking about the soul. If the soul can be said to exist. I'm talking about consciousness, if such a thing exists.

As in Breakfast of Champions, we are all an unwavering beam of light. That our bodies are just meat machines, and that the only truly alive part of us is our awareness.

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As many of you know, I work at a movie theater. I often have conversations with my coworkers about the terrible movies we have, and how people enjoy them so. Often I say that I wish I could enjoy every movie I see. I wish I could find joy from such simple things, instead of needing complexity and meaning behind everything.

Perhaps it would be better to be a simpler person. To enjoy things that I consider stupid, vapid, inane.

To return to my childhood.

I feel as though when I was a child, I found enjoyment in almost anything. I could watch any television program and be interested. I loved every movie I watched.

Though, somehow, I never let television destroy my imagination, like so many others. I played for hours with my plastic green and tan army men. Staging elaborate battles, with great heroes and evil villains. Morality was simple. Everything was black and white. Good guys and bad guys.

I knew what was right and wrong.

This is before my moral development. Before I saw the shades of gray. When everything had an answer. When I knew who I was, and what would happen when I died.

Before things stopped making sense. Before my morality evolved, before I was able to empathize with others. Before I cared about everyone so damned much.

I only felt my own pain in those simple days. Now I feel the world's agony weighing down on me.

Some stay at that childhood stage. Those who feel as though everything is simple. That they know who they are, and that they have a role to fulfill based on gender, culture, or religion.

That they know what is right and what is wrong. And that the shades of gray don't exist. That you are either with them, or against them. Those fools.

Those fools who never question who they are. Never wonder, what the hell am I doing here? What is the point of everything? Why bother?

They can say, a man is a man, and a woman is a woman. Men should be masculine, because that is what they are. No introspection required. Only testosterone. No self-reflection.

No self-awareness. Only animal instinct. On the most basic level.

Religion often lets us escape this introspection. It acts as a substitute for digging deep into your own soul, and defining your very essence. Why try and discover who you are when your religion so clearly tells you the answer.

___

I used to know who I was. I used to think I knew. I have no idea now. It scares me. That must be another reason my relationship failed. How can I proclaim to love someone, to know them intimately, when I don't know myself?

What the fuck am I doing? Is there a reason for all of this? Am I doing the right things? Does it matter?
___

Though, even the people on the most simplistic stages of moral development realize their own mortality. Instead of facing it, they accept what Kurt Vonnegut called "foma" or harmless untruths. Instead of facing the scariest thought of all, they must run to the idea of an afterlife.

Is there a soul? I have no idea. I like to think so. I like to think that I am more than just carbon. More than just chemical reactions.
____

Would I be happier if I did not require all of this deep thinking? If I could just accept life for what it is. If I just did what was expected of me, in this country, as a male, as a Christian.

Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is truly terrifying.

Those happy fools. Those who can say, I know who I am, I am a man. I am an American. A Christian.

Those who can find solace and happiness in raising families. Trying to make their children just like them. Trying to make sure that their children can fit into the same archetype that they fell into, and that their father fell into.

That everyone should fit into a generic personality. One of the many archetypes, the stay at home mom, the dad who likes fishin' and huntin' and guns, and god. They know their purpose. Their purpose requires no introspection. They have a mission in life. To reproduce. To serve a deity.
___

Would it be easier to be like those fools? Perhaps.

But perhaps they will miss the greatest joys of life. They will find that they cannot live up to societies standards of what a man or woman should be. They will see themselves as failures, and hatred will begin to fuel that previously happy ignorance.

That I know I cannot fail because I am my own person. I exist in my own reality. That I can only measure myself by my own standards. That I have no god to face, only me. And, in the end, I think that is a lot tougher. To look at yourself in the mirror and see if you are happy with who you are, what you have become. To lie on your death bed satisfied. To die content. To accept your own fate and your own history.
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We are all alone. On this level of awareness, we are alone. We only exist inside this band of light. We may share every single part of our lives with another human being, but we can never share this most intimate part of us. The only real part of us. Behind our layers of personality is our soul. Behind our actions, our explanations for life, behind the distractions we create, we are all the same.

We are all so fragile. And alone.
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The only moral thing to do, really, is help each other through this thing, whatever it is. To help one another enjoy this time we have. To share our fears, our hopes, our soul. To love, love with all our power.

To love with the deepest passion we can exude. And to use this love to help others. To save others from this loneliness. From the despair this permanent solitude can cause. To understand each other. To listen. To care.

With Love,
An Unwavering Band of Light

I Was Trying to Sleep (I was trying to dream)

Note: This post is not political at all, just personal. I have been mulling over whether I should post this or not. So, we will see how this goes.

______

The night before last, I had one of the rare dreams that I remember well. Let me preface this this by laying out my beliefs towards my own dreams. When I am subconsciously unhappy with my life in general, I have very pleasant dreams, and wake up in disappointment at my own reality. When I am happy however, I have horrible dreams, often featuring the death of loved ones, only to wake up and be immediately relieved that it was just a dream. At least, this is how it seems.

Anyway, to the dream. This was of the very pleasant variety, one of the first in a long time. I recall the dream as being covered by a light fog. The dream involved me and a girl I once had feelings for. The dream was not sexual at all, though I felt a strong passion and love. Even though not so much as a kiss occurred, it was the most sensual dream I have ever had.

I remember this girl leaning over to me, to rest her head in my lap, with her back to me. This was to my great shock and glee, but at the same time I panicked, where should I place my arm, my hand? Was this just a friendly gesture, or was she counting on me to be more? "I'm trying not to be perverted, so where should I place my hand?" I recall myself asking. She placed my hand on her stomach, and I felt a sudden euphoria. Later on, we were lying next to each other, talking, being in one each others presence. Right before I awoke, we embraced in a hug, saying our goodbyes. It was a happy, optimistic parting.

The identity of the girl in the dream is of no real importance. To me, she represents all of the girls I have pined for silently. Those whom I was friends with for a long time, but never anything more.

I often wonder why nothing ever happened. The easiest thing to say is that I am just too shy. Too afraid of being rejected. I have even thought that perhaps to ask one of these girls to be more than friends with me would be unfair to the girl. They don't deserve to be burdened by me, they could be with someone much better.

Every time I lose hope that there could ever be something between me and someone else, I start to destroy that friendship. I have done this several times. I become mean, vicious, and my jokes become less lighthearted.

I have never known why I do this, but perhaps this dream holds part of the answer.

Perhaps it is best that nothing ever panned out. The reason I say this is that the dream of what could of been is always better than the reality. That the concept is always flawless while the actual thing is always flawed. That my dreams of these people being perfect goddesses is better than just a moment of true romance. After all, nothing can ever be as good as we dream it.

Perhaps I destroyed those friendships for that reason. For the reason that the one time I let something go further, I chased the dream and ignored reality. I envisioned things as better than they were, and I was blind to the tragedy I was living through. I thought I could live up to unrealistic expectations, and that she lived up to mine.

____________

Today I awoke from a sleepless dream. I went to sleep the night prior with worries about everything. I felt as if I was being buried by responsibilities. Everything was coming together in a perfect storm of stress. I woke up at 5 a.m., my nose feeling wet. I have been sick this week, so I thought I was having some sinus problems. I got out of my bed, and saw I had no tissues in my room. I went into the bathroom, and turned on the light. To my horror, my arms were covered with blood, as well as my mouth and chin.

After the blood stopped pouring from my nose, I looked at myself in the mirror again, in utter disgust. There is certainly something unsettling with being covered in your own blood. Even in my horror, I was able to find humor in the situation, I mean, if someone walked in on me at the moment, it would look not only like I murdered someone, but that I also ate them.

I cleaned up, and went back to sleep, felling worse than I had before, and feeling even sicker.

Perhaps it is a bit much to try and read symbolism from actual events. I find myself doing that a lot now. I try and find symbolism in everything. This is especially strange for someone who somewhat believes everything is inherently meaningless. Perhaps it shows I wish everything did have meaning. That everything was related, somehow.

However, the fact that I awoke to the horror of myself covered in blood on this dreamless night is hard to ignore. This happened the night after the most memorable dream I have had in years. I think it further validates this idea. That dreams are wonderful and perfect, and that the actual thing will only destroy that perfect dream you have.

That everything around you will deteriorate.

But in your dreams you live forever, you achieve everything, your friends and family live by your side in your support.

In truth, I felt my own morality heavy upon me. That one day, after all my dreams are done, and I have no more time for fictional beauty, I will die, die and never dream again. Only rest, forever, in a dreamless sleep.

That life can never be as good as we wish it to be. And that in our triumphs there is tragedy. Yet in our tragedies there is also triumph, the birth of a new dream, the dream of what could have been. What will never be, except in your own reality. And really, that is all we have.
______

Sorry if you find this post depressing, I do not. I also do not wish you to think that I hate life, I love life. I truly do. I wish to find someone wonderful, and I want that person to become more than a dream. I want someone as flawed as I am. As human, as mortal. Someone to share my hopes and fears. That is a dream that reality will be able to meet.

Powell, and Drugs

Quick note on Powell:

Wow, I was very happy to see that Powell said something to the effect of

“The republicans are asking, is Obama a Muslim? Well, the right answer is, no, he is a Christian, he has always been a Christian. But the really right answer is, what if he was? What is wrong with a seven year old Muslim-American girl or boy thinking that they could be president one day?”

I couldn’t have said it better. So thanks for that. This whole thing almost makes up for the whole selling this awful war to the UN. I saw W. over the weekend, and it painted a very favorable picture of Powell, its too bad he caved to the pressure and sold Bush’s lies.

He had his own part in the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and thousands of Americans.

I hope he continues trying to repent for his crimes.

Drugs-

If John McCain and Barack Obama want to cut part of the budget, how about the $50 billion we spend per year on the war on drugs? It is a failed program. Just like prohibition.

Just like prohibition, if you outlaw something you are going to create underground organizations.

Prohibition created organized crime in this country. The war on drugs has created drug lords, drug dealers, and a giant underground business of selling illicit drugs.

The war on drugs has filled our prisons with non-violent criminals.

With poor people.

Are people who smoke pot criminals? Criminals that belong onside with murders and rapists? Should a crack user share a cell with an armed robber?

The thing about drug laws and punishment is the unfairness. The class and race unfairness. What is to happen to a poor black teenager who is arrested for selling or using hard drugs? Prison.

What is to happen to a rich white woman who illegally buys and uses painkillers? Rehab. No prison, no real punishment. Total forgiveness.

If young Obama had been caught using drugs his career would be over. His life would be over. When Cindy McCain was discovered to be addicted to painkillers nothing happened, she faced no threat of prison. Are their crimes serious? Of course not.

Drugs are a huge problem. Outlawing drugs is not the answer. It solves nothing. It just puts poor people in jail.

What then is the solution? Education of course. But not only education.

The real cause of heavy drug use is often deep poverty. Drugs offer the only escape. The life of the poor can be and is so awful that using drugs is the only way out. Or perhaps religion. They are both things people who have no hope seek.

Education is once again the answer to poverty. Comprehensive economic education must be a key factor in all school curriculum. All throughout a students career. Along with that drug and sex education to try and limit the amount of unwanted pregnancies and drug use that helps to cause prolonged poverty.

But education is the long term solution. We need something more immediate. Government work programs to rebuild infrastructure is one answer. This would include the dreaded government housing, and cleaning up the poorest neighborhoods.

Welfare must be drastically changed. Abuses of the system must stop. But there must also be better incentives to work instead of depending on the government. If one can make more money from welfare than from working two jobs why bother? I don’t know exactly how to do this, but perhaps with more research and more education in economics I will.

I don’t want to go point by point on this, but better economic conditions will cure the problem of drug use.

Will drug use go away? Of course not. Drugs are fun! I’d smoke marijuna if it was legal. I think it would be an interesting experience. Do I refrain from doing it now in respect of the laws of the land?

Of course not. I have no respect for laws I don’t believe in. I don’t care if people occasionally use recreational drugs. I don’t think they are criminals.

Sorry for rambling on. I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things, so I’m just trying to cram it all in as I think of it.

Oh no... it's abortion time.

That's right. I thought it was just about time for me to cover everyone's favorite topic, abortion!

Ugh. Listen, I will never sway anyone with my views on abortion, and no one will ever sway me. Call me a baby killer all you want.

So, instead I want talk about abortion in a different way.

I think that one of the most dangerous things to our democracy is single-issue voters. And what is the main single issue? Abortion of course. I know of many people who only vote for politicians who are pro-life.

Well, if you are one of those people, let me ask you, how has that worked for you so far? George Bush was pro-life. Is abortion illegal? No. The number of abortions have stagnated, sure, but when Bill Clinton(pro-choice) was president the number of abortions went down, every single year. Perhaps that has nothing to do with who was in charge, but let it show that the pro-lifers have done nothing useful for their movement.

Why is this so dangerous to our nation? It serves the people with unpopular views very well. They use abortion as a wedge issue so that voters will ignore the candidates dangerous policies that go against the voter's own economic benefit. They will vote for this person just because they want to overturn Roe v. Wade.

But, let me ask you, what would happen if Roe v. Wade was overturned?

Nothing. That is until a state made abortion illegal.

See, all Roe V. Wade did was make abortion legal throughout the country, if it is overturned, abortion will still be legal throughout the country. Until a state outlaws it.

Quite a few states have much better protections of a woman's right to choose than Roe V. Wade has. So, abortion will most likely always be legal somewhere in the United States.

Unless, that is, there is a constitutional amendment that outlaws it. Now, why would you state's rights conservatives ever want the federal government telling each state what to do? That would go against your whole principle of state's rights.

Oh yeah, that's right, women get abortions. No problem then. No problem with the federal government telling women what they can and can't do. So long as the federal government doesn't try and touch our guns!
__

So, what is my view on abortion? I think it should be legal. Maybe I will get more into it in the vigorous discussion that is likely to break out. Man, I hate abortion. Who doesn't?

Let's have better education. Let's have better adoption programs. Let's make it make sense for a woman to carry her unborn to term.

Let's stop this abstinence only bullshit. Kids are going to have sex. So teach them how to do it right. Perhaps the government should issue free contraceptives? Perhaps they should be included when we get universal health care.

No, conservatives don't want that. They want abortion to go away, but they don't want to take the steps too make it go away. They just want to outlaw it, not to solve the problem that is causing the abortions.

And they sure don't want to "encourage kids to have sex". As if you have to encourage kids to have sex, they are going to fuck whether to tell them to or not.

__

In other news, it looks bad for gay marriage in California. Proposition Hate (8) looks like it is going to pass, which will put a constitutional amendment in the state saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman.

Why is it going to pass? Obama. Plain and simple. Obama is drawing out tons of black voters. they sympathize with the struggle that homosexuals are going through? No. 58% support prop hate. They don't see it as the same as their struggle against "separate but equal". But aren't civil unions supposed to be separate from marriages but equal? I don't blame Obama, and I don't blame blacks. Those are just the facts. The thing I blame is religion. Religion for opposing this civil rights issue. For preaching backwards thought. For preaching hate. Oh, I know you Christians view homosexuality as an abomination, just like shellfish. But does God hate shellfish eaters? Nope, just fags. What did Jesus say about gays? Oh yeah, nothing. He just wanted us to love everyone. Psh. As if Christianity has anything to do with Jesus.

This depresses me a lot. This is going to set California and the gay rights movement back a decade.

I'll have another post up soon, about the Powell endorsement and about DRUGS!!

How can one be "anti-gay"?

Listen:

I want to separate this from politics by saying this isn't about gay marriage. This is about our overall feeling about homosexuals.

I was eating lunch with a few people I went to high school with. No names, but they were two girls and one guy. One of the girls told a story about a gay boy who sits next to her in math class, and tells her stories about him having sex with his boyfriend.

She said that she was "anti-gay" and suddenly, the other two people I was with agreed. They agreed that homosexuality was disgusting and wrong.

I volunteered "I actually think it is wonderful!"

"Well, would you go around telling someone you barely know that you had great sex the night before?"

"Well" I said, "I don't think so... well, actually, if I have great sex, I think I would go around and tell everyone how wonderful it was. I don't see why that should be a point of embarrassment or shame."

And everyone laughed.

I felt okay about this conversation, but I left wondering, what does "anti-gay" mean? They are against people being gay? Or they just don't want to hear about it?

I would think that if you are "anti-gay" you must be anti-love. I mean, how could you think that two people loving each other deeply is wrong? The sex of the two lovers shouldn't matter at all.

And, even if love isn't involved, isn't it great that someone is getting some action? I don't mean to be crude or anything, but shouldn't you be happy people are having a good time? When I find out my friends had sex with someone I feel great for them! How wonderful I think! It wouldn't matter if it was a man or a woman they had sex with.

Hell, there isn't the whole pregnancy risk with gay sex huh? That makes it like, twice as good.

Not that I would have gay sex. I'm not a homosexual. I'm just not. I didn't chose to be straight, I just am. I couldn't find men sexually attractive if I tried, just as gay men can't find women sexually attractive.

So, if you think it is a choice, well, you are just going to have to get over that little hurdle.

Saying homosexuality is a choice makes you look ignorant. And please, don't bring religion into rational discussion. Religion destroys rational discussion.

On a side note

Isn't it wonderful that Palin and co. are "tolerant" of gays? As if tolerance was a virtue.

What does tolerance really mean? That you tolerate the existence of gay people? Wow! Thats great, you tolerate the existence of gay people, you don't seek to destroy them. The love this woman has to share! Tolerance!

I hate that word. I tolerate people using that word. I don't punch them in the face for saying it. I just sit there in my anger, and tolerate it.

How about accepting homosexuals? Accepting them for who they are. Accepting that you can't change it, and that they didn't choose to be a homosexual. Accept that they are often proud of who they are. Acceptance is a true virtue. Tolerance is just one step up from hate.

On a personal note

My grandfather died on Friday morning. I went to his funeral today. It was the second funeral I've ever been to, and both have been military funerals.

This is the first time someone close to me has died. And he was very close. I love my grandfather, and he loved me with all his heart. I was his only grandson, and that made me very special to him.

He had an incredibly hard life. He was always poor, born poor, and died in what you could call the lower middle class. He was a veteran of the U.S. Army in the Vietnam War. His only wound was psychological, as he developed post-traumatic stress disorder. He had his bouts with drinking, and he smoked a lot. His smoking is what killed him in the end.

It was only a month ago we found out he had cancer. It struck so fast. I barely had time to cope with that before he passed away.

My only comfort is that he isn't in pain anymore. He had struggled his entire life and now he can finally rest in peace.

The last few days have been the toughest of my life. I feel empty and sad. My family has been a huge help, but I feel alone.

I have wonderful memories, but that isn't enough to cope.

And this is only the first person close to me to die.

I fear my parents death, I fear my grandmother's death.

Life almost seems pointless when everything will die so soon. I will die.

The only thing that can keep me going is the feeling that I should do my best to improve other peoples lives. That is the only thing we can do. Nothing else really matters.

Try and ease the pain of others. Help each other through life.

Religion is no answer for me. I have no use for stories. The thought of an afterlife is wonderful, but doesn't comfort me. I can't say there isn't an afterlife, but no one can say there is.

I have another reason to live. For my grandfather, for my parents, for my friends.

I want to be my grandparents and my parents legacy. I want to vindicate them. I want their struggles to seem worth it.

I must live for others, to improve this world. This world won't be around forever, but it will be around a lot longer than I will.

Living for myself seems so pointless. My life is finite. Once I am dead what does it matter what I did for myself?

At this point in my life, I don't think I want children. Perhaps I will change.

My grandfathers children and grandchildren gave him his only joy and reason to live in his last days. We were his only reason to keep struggling.

I think the best way to pay him back for that is to live for others. To seek to improve others lives.

How am I going to do this? No idea.

I'm going to start by being a kinder person.

I need to lose my temper, but keep my passion.

My passion for humanity.

This may not be very coherent, but I am not very coherent right now.

The only true comfort has been these words

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt"

I hope that describes death. I wish that described life.

Right now, nothing is beautiful, and everything hurts.

I'll be fine, I promise.

With love,
Mark

The Iraq War and American Exceptionalism

The Associated Press conducted a poll asking Americans how many Iraqis have died since the invasion in 2003. The median answer given was 9,890. The Americans polled knew the amount of Americans killed, but they lowballed the Iraqi dead by tens of thousands, and that is only by the most conservative of death tolls.

One such toll that has been completely ignored by the mainstream media is one taken by an independent polling agency ORB. ORB is no ultra-left wing research center, it is a trusted credible organization that often works for the conservative wings of the British Government.

They found that around one million Iraqis have been killed. One million. This is a high-end estimate, though just because it is the highest estimate that does not mean it can be dismissed.
Other estimates range from 100,000 to 900,000. Even if this ORB poll is flawed in some way, the fact that the media completely ignored it sickens me.

What if the number is around one million? I hope it isn't, but what if it is? What if our nation, and our nation alone is completely responsible for the slaughter of one million Iraqi citizens?

That no one even talks about Iraqi dead is a crime in itself. All Americans can tell you is how many Americans have died. The number stands at just over four thousand. This is more than the amount killed on September Eleventh 2001.

Yet, we all know the American casualties. The ratio of American deaths to Iraqi deaths, at the high end, is 1 to 200.

One American equals two hundred Iraqis.

How does this make sense to anyone? Have we really become this desensitized to non-American deaths? We have always viewed American deaths as the most important, even in history class. We are taught to believe we are the greatest heroes of world war two, even though the amount we sacrificed to win that war was 418,500. This is a huge amount, though, not as many as the Iraqi War dead estimate by both the ORB poll and the Lancet poll. That was also, at the time, about .32% of our nations population. The nation with the greatest sacrifice to defeat Nazi Germany? The Soviet Union. They suffered a total of 23,100,000 casualties. 13.71% of their population. This is not something we are taught. The Soviet Union was evil, to be sure, but the citizens who died were not.

The were human beings, just like Americans, Germans, and the Japanese. All our lives are equal. American exceptionalism haves you believe we are always the good guys, and that our soldiers are the most heroic.

That our soldiers cause is true, and the cause of the enemy is evil and wrong. A lie.

One million dead, because of us, because of our infallible virtue.

Though, this does not compare to the forgotten genocide of the Native Americans in the country.

We are all human. America has examples of the greatest human triumphs and the greatest evils committed. We are not exceptional. We are the same as all.

I will expand upon this all in my next post, which will be a defense of pacifism.

Quick Question

The movie Fireproof opened this weekend, which is some Christian movie. They do great business here, any christian movie (or even Ben Stein's laugh a minute Expelled) is a gold mine.

The churches got their congregations to go together, and some even had t-shirts.

Now, the movie is about a husband (Kirk Cameron) whose marriage is failing, and he finds that he must restore his relationship with God before he can restore it with his wife. With God, their marriage becomes Fireproof.

And the t-shirts said on the back "Never Leave Your Partner Behind"

My question: Does your wife really count as a "partner" if you believe she should be subservient to you?

Nationalism

To start off, thank you for your responses! There is still a conversation going in my last post's comment section, thanks to an anonymous poster who helped me see that I let my anger get ahead of my true feelings. Thanks.

Now to the question... What are you first and foremost? Are you an American first or a Human first?

What is more important? Your country or the world as a whole?

Lets not be idealist, we must defend this country right? Damn everyone else, God Bless the U.S.! May He grace us, and his shadow be cast on the rest of the world.

One of our major political parties slogan is "Country First"

Country First. American First. Patriotism at its finest.

What makes us American? Our citizenship? Let's talk about my citizenship.

I was born here. Bam, citizenship for me. Did I choose to be born in this country? No, of course not. I just happened to be, and I just happened to become an American citizen without my knowledge or consent.

So is that what makes us American? What is America? It is a country to be sure. What is a country than? A section of land. A section of land with arbitrary boundaries. Before the lines were drawn was there any difference between this land that we call America and the land we call Canada? Mexico? Climate to be sure, but there are both extremes of weather in this country.

So, me being an American has to do with the land you live on. At its most basic level.

Of course, then we must discuss the U.S. as a nation. I love the freedoms we enjoy to be sure. I wish every nation in the world guaranteed habeas corpus, and the rights granted by our Constitution and it's amendments. These are the good things about my country. Things I love. Things that should be considered normal all around the world.

Of course, then, there is this countries horrible history. The genocide of the Native American. The legacy of slavery. The denial of suffrage to non-white males. The restrictions of freedom that have been cast on us in war time. The internment of Japanese-Americans, the jailing of anti-war protesters in the first world war. The red-scares. The corruption that has been evident throughout our history. The poverty. The pollution. The wars. The hate.

Our country has had a bloody hateful history. This is the history of our democracy. Is this what we are told to love? Regardless of our own feelings. No matter how much you disagree with your leaders, always love this country!

Really? Love a piece of land with invisible boundaries? Love the people who's policies you hate? That you are willing to spend the rest of your life to fight? Love them?

Country first? Why country first? Why not humanity first?

Why not care more about our fellow man no matter where he/she was born than we do for this abstract/intangible idea of a nation.

We have been taught that our country is always right. We have been taught, indoctrinated, since our very first days of school that American lives are inherently more valuable than those born somewhere else, or belonging to another country.

That one American death is worth more than 1000 Iraqi dead.

That we should honor the deaths of our fallen in war but not people our soldiers killed?

At the root of it all, aren't we all just people? My American citizenship is a legal fact, not a personal characteristic.

Don't we all have more in common with all of humanity than with just our fellow Americans?

Those who fight and die for this country are the same who fight and die for another. They just have different ideologies.

They are just doing what they think is right.

They don't think they are murdering another human being.

They are doing their country proud. Their ideology proud.

Nationalism is taught to use throughout our life.

Nationalism is how our government and other governments(and leaders of ideological groups, example: Al-Qaeda) get us to believe that killing a citizen of another nation isn't murder.

It is heroism.

That we are not members of the human race. We are citizens of our countries.

Country First.

God Bless America.

Disclaimer:

I covered some aspects of my pacifism in this post. I don't wish to paint soldiers as murderers. I don't believe they think they are actually murdering people. They do not have this intent. They just want to survive and protect their families. I believe they are misguided.

I don't say these things easily. My grandfather served honorably in the Vietnam War. He is dying of cancer right now. I love him with all of my heart, and I have no malice towards him for serving.

I have more to say about nationalism, but I would like to get responses to this first.
Thank you

With love,
Mark

P.S.

I must give credit where credit is due. Kurt Vonnegut had a lot to do with my turn to pacifism, but so did the wonderful Sarah Goth. She has also strengthened my belief in the cause of peace around the world. Thank you for that.

Politics

Politics are making me sick. Physically ill.

I started getting into politics because I had a crazy idea in my head. I thought politics were about issues. Nope. That is the last thing politics is about. What are politics all about?

Personality, race, gender, RELIGION, intelligence, and above all, good-ol' down to earth values.

My stomach hurts, my body shutters, I lose faith in this silly country.

I can't wait to post about nationalism, but thats not what this post is about.

Americans want a President who is like them. Perhaps just as stupid, ignorant, and religious, holds the same prejudices and hatred for certain types of people, and is in-touch with the people.

Not me.

I want my president to be the smartest person possible. I want him or her to someone who would think I am stupid. I don't want my president to talk about religion, ever. I don't give a shit what deity they follow.

Americans want their president to follow their values.

Fuck that. I don't care if my candidate has been married ten times and cheated on every single on of his/her spouse. I don't care where someones penis has been, nor what females do with their vaginas. I just don't think a persons "values" have anything to do with the president they will be. Hell, FDR cheated on his wife, lots. You know who has never cheated on his wife? George W. Bush. Go ahead and bash FDR and praise George Bush, I don't care. FDR did some evil things as well.

Lets talk about Obama and McCain.

I support Obama, though, I disagree with him on most issues. A lot of issues. I hate a lot of the things he believes. Stupid Americans may not like him because he is black, other morons may not like him because they think he is a Muslim.

But, first, why would it be a bad thing if he was a Muslim? Don't you silly Christians realize you share the same God? That Islam, Judaism, and Christianity all come from Abraham?

Why must your candidate be a Christian? Adolf Hitler was a "Christian", but he was as much a Christian as he was a "Socialist". I don't understand it.

Well, you silly people will be happy to know Obama is a Christian, which I don't like about him. That would be the last religion I would want my candidate to be, I would much prefer a Muslim, and even more an atheist. I can't see a non-christian becoming President in my life time. Not in this backwards country.

And you want to discuss his lack of experience? So the fuck what? How much experience did Lincoln have? The American people want the president to be extremely experienced and a dumbass at the same time.

I don't vote on experience. There is only one thing I vote on, and that is issues. I am a liberal, and will vote for whoever is more liberal of the two candidates. Obama is not liberal at all, but he beats McCain.

Here is where I disagree with Obama, and these views will be expanded in upcoming posts:

- Health care- I want a single payer health insurance system. Its that simple.

-Drugs- Obama in most cases wants harsher drug laws, I want all drugs to be legal.

-Gay rights-Obama is against Gay Marriage, I am for it.

-War- Obama is for the war in Afghanistan, I am against all wars. Yeah, I'm a pacifist, an idealist, call me what you like.

Economics- Obama is a fiscal conservative in many ways. I am borderline socialistic, though I believe in a mixed economy. The free-market certainly has its place, and I believe it can solve many things.

-I agree with Obama when it comes to abortion however, so thats good.

- And many more, I'm sure, but I think I should wrap this up.

Morality (and lots of question marks)

One of my favorite debates:

Is morality possible without religion?

Certainly. I believe the two are completely independent of one another. Sure, I suppose religion helps enforce morality, but so do laws. Is someone who doesn't break their moral code because they are promised an eternity in heaven more moral than an atheist who also obeys the moral laws of society? I don't think you could make that argument.

Then, people ask, how did morality come about?

Lets say, back in the early development of man, you murder someone in broad daylight. Other humans see this. They will not be your friend. You will not mate, you will not get a share in the food. They don't want to be murdered.

Or perhaps they killed him. Which would be an early and simple idea of morality that stays with us. Eye for an eye. Outdated and barbaric? Perhaps, though we are slowly evolving out of that.

If you stole something or raped someone, the same rules would apply. Though, I don't think they would rape you back as punishment.

What morality are we talking about here? The secular community may have a different set of morals than the religious community.

Like, no sex before marriage. How is this a moral code? If there is consent, how can it be a moral issue? How can consensual sex be judged as wrong or immoral? This is something I don't understand. The risk of spreading sexually transmitted diseases might be part of it, but does that make it a moral issue? There are ways to reduce the chance of transmitting said diseases. Is sex immoral without the intent of conception?

Is anything pleasurable immoral? A sin?

And how is marriage the barrier you must pass to have sex with someone? Is it the idea of eternal commitment? You have to have a ceremony and wear a ring to have sex with someone? Save yourself for the one special someone?

What if you aren't compatable. When you end up having sex it just doesn't feel right. I suppose this would work with the whole evil concept of sex, because you certainly wouldn't want to have it with your spouse.

Why is sex evil anyway? Disgusting even? Why is nudity viewed as the worst thing that can be in a film? Worse than violence even.

Everyone is going to see a naked body at some point, hopefully no one will see a violent murder.

And how is homosexuality immoral, a sin? Because you cannot reproduce? Is reproduction really all it comes down to? Is that the only important thing in religious morality? Perhaps that is why abortion is such a huge issue for the church.

I reject any so called moral codes that have to do with consensual sex. I just don't view it as evil. I have no reverence for sex. I just view it as enjoyable. Ha. This is a very sexual blog. I'll stop that talk now.

What do I view as morality? Any behavior that causes another animal pain. So, do I view eating meat as immoral? Yes. Do I still eat meat? Yes, and often. I don't view myself as a moral person, but I would like to be.

Please feedback. You Christian types, tell me why sex before marriage is so evil! I'd like to know.

Religion-Part Three

So, all that is left to explain our my current religious views. This is certainly the hardest part.

This is the first time I have had trouble writing a blog... Let me start with a simple question to myself.

Do I believe God exists?

No... though, I hesitate to call myself an atheist. I wish I could believe in a god, just not the one I used to believe in. Not an angry and vengeful god, not a god that would wish to exclude people from "heaven" for simply not believing in it's existence. I reject that concept of god.

Do I believe in an afterlife?

No. Though, I wish I did. It sure would comfort me when laying in bed at night, contemplating my mortality.

Listen

I am not anti-religion. I am not someone who will try and prove your faith untrue, or even question it. There is only one person who should question your personal faith, and that is you. You should question everything.

There is only one aspect of Christianity that I like. It is what Jesus said before he was crucified. Churches prefer to focus on Jesus on the cross, and risen-Jesus, but I like the one that lived, as a poor carpenter.

I agree with Kurt Vonnegut on this point. If it were not for the Sermon on the Mount, I wouldn't want to be a human being. If what he said was so nice, what does it matter if he was God or not?

I took a world religions class senior year, and well, that had a lot to do with my not being a Christian anymore. The kinds of things people said concerning this faith that I thought I wanted to follow made me sick. Also, the idea that women should be subservient to men? One of the stupidest things the Bible has to say.

I reject all of that now.

My friend Zac asked me what my least favorite religion was of those that I studied.

I told him Christianity.

My favorite? That would probably have to Buddhism. I love the message of pacifism, and the fact that there is no god in Buddhism. Perhaps one day I should explore it more than I did in those three weeks.

I do enjoy discussing religion, but I'm going to say what I think no matter what your beliefs are. So, please, religion is one of my favorite things to discuss because it makes people so uncomfortable. I think that is mostly because they don't question their own religion, and just accept everything said at church.

Because this blog is short, and lacking what I view as real substance, I'm going to post next about a topic relating to religion, and that is morality.

Religion-Part Two

I was a member of the religious right, you could definitely say. I was against abortion, though at the time I knew practically nothing about the issue. I hated gay people, though, I didn't know any. I believed in creationism and refused to learn anything about evolution. Thank God, no schools in the area (most likely in this state) actually teach evolution, not in Jr. High, nor in High School. I never learned a thing about evolution because my teachers didn't believe in it. At least, thats what they lead us to believe. I remember first debate about "Under God", this caused me to hate atheist. I couldn't think of a possible reason it should be excluded.

I got in arguments with who didn't hold my beliefs, trying to convert them.

I'm not sure when it happened, but I started changing. No, I'm not talking about puberty, I mean, the way I thought about everything started changing.

Perhaps this is what happens to most people. When you are a child you see everything in terms of black and white, right and wrong. I started seeing the shades of gray.

The first thing to change was my feeling about homosexuals. I stopped hating people because I no longer thought it was a choice. So, I tried to reconcile my new belief with the bible. Without a church to interpret things for me, this was pretty easy, I just had to throw out the old testament.

Jesus never said anything about hating homosexuals, about their inherent evil. Thats all I needed. Abortion was the next to go. Though, all I needed for that was logic, and to do a little research. I listened to arguments on both sides, and realized that no one was for abortion.

I was now pro-choice and didn't hate homosexuals, though I didn't believe that they should be able to marry. I mean, marriage is a religious ceremony right?

Around this time, I started realizing all of my political beliefs fell in the liberal category. This also put me at odds with other "born-again" Christians. Once again, I just had to throw everything out of the bible but the red words. The words of Christ... If I did this, I felt as if His words supported me.

Ah, around this time, my first relationship started. She was also a born-again Christian, though, she attended church. She certainly slowed the development of my religious beliefs. I had someone to reassure me before I could even start doubting the word of God. I even went to her church, and it wasn't too bad, until they started speaking in tongues. I don't know, it weirded me out. It always seemed phony to me as well. I couldn't believe in that. Everything at the church seemed so hollow, so meaningless...

All the rituals, the waving arms in the air, the singing, the dancing, the glossolalia, it seemed like a waste of time. Did this really get you closer to God? I felt closer to God in my own room, alone, with my bible, or in bed at night, having long discussions with God. I read in the bible that you should pray in your room with the door locked... That's what I wanted to do.

Then, I started losing the idea of creationism. The earth is 6,000 years old? Really?

My main argument against evolution was that it was a theory. "They shouldn't teach something that is just a theory in school!" Every time I heard my teacher start teaching about evolution, I waited for the magic words "Evolution is just a theory". I heard those words every time. It was my cue to tune out. It was never on the test anyway, why put something as ridiculous and unproved as a scientific theory on a test?

They didn't point out that gravity was also just a theory.

My faith had started falling apart. It was going quickly. My girlfriend at the time was the only thing holding it up.

This has gotten a bit long, so I think I will have to leave the rest for a third part.

Religion-Part One

I must be pretty ambitious. First real post about religion? Yep. Its something I don't often talk about, so here we go boys and girls.

I've never really gone to church. I mean, I've gone with grandma at Christmas time, or with my friends when they went. But never with my immediate family. God bless my family for that.

I grew up knowing I was a Christian. I just didn't go to church. Thats how we did things. I knew the basic ideas. Jesus died for my sins, and I was going to heaven. Thats all I needed to know.

Until I turned twelve. I started reading "The Left Behind" series. Talk about indoctrinated. That was my drug. Marx said religion is the opiate of the people? Those books were my morphine.

Imagine! Jesus coming back to take all us believers to heaven, and leaving all those heathens on earth to suffer through some pretty horrible (and super cool) tribulations.

Going to heaven without dying! I was all aboard for that idea! Sign me up!

Did I feel odd not going to church? Not at all. This was my church. I bought my own bible, and started reading the old testament.

Then I stopped. Was this really what God was about? Ignore that, I skipped to the New Testament, and read all the red letters.

I was saved. Born again. A Christian who had accepted Jesus into his heart.

In one of these books, one of the characters wanted to have an abortion (She was pregnant with the son of the Anti-Christ, no I'm serious)

I didn't know much about abortion, but I knew I was against it, vehemently. I was ready to go protest.

I mean, what if that was me? About to get aborted?

I had never really gone to church, but I was as Christian as you could get. Hell, not going to church was the only way I could have become this Christian. By myself. That's my way. Self-discovery.

I thought that was the right way to do things, and I still do. Why have another person explain your beliefs? I think you are the best person to discover your own, for yourself.

Thats just me... Part two coming up...

Mmmm... Simple...

Yeah, simple black background, really unimaginative name. But oh well.

Right now I am in the USI library, second floor, at one of the tables by the windows. I believe I ruined some couples romantic getaway. I saw them, but knowing I was walking into a corner, I had to keep going, had to sit at the next table. I couldn't just let them and their lovefest ruin my time to myself between classes. Plus, I wanted to get this thing going.

Thank God they are gone (This would be a good segway into my next post, which I intend on being about religion). Making their noises, making me feel awkward, looking back at me after a make out session. Jesus I felt like I didn't belong in this place, but pride kept me here. Knowing that I had just as much right to sit at my favorite spot in the library.

I know I was like that in my relationship, my last one... well, my only one, but thats not a big deal. I learn from these things. Do I change? Of course not. People don't change, they just don't act as stupid the next time.

My last/only relationship was stupid. No really, it was. Man, I never want anything like that again.

Save that for another post though.

Listen, I want to make this blog simple, I want to make it honest, and I want responses when I dig deep into topics I don't discuss much.

I don't expect anyone to read this, but I don't mind if you do. If you barely know me, please go ahead, I have nothing to hide. Comment on my posts, let me get to know you better as well.

My favorite all time quote comes from Kurt Vonnegut(well, his son, but it was in Kurt's book)

"We are here to help each other through this thing, whatever it is"

Gee... Doesn't that just inspire you to hug someone who is sad?