Life is pretty good right now. I am starting to hate my job more and more every week, but that's nothing new. Politics are slow, and I have a lot more free time now that I don't have to spend all my time pouring over polls.
December 4th is going to mark my third year at showplace. How magical. I remember that day well... I didn't realize it at the time, but I would meet people I truly cherish now.
Mid-December will mark one year after the end of my long and only relationship.
People often ask if I regret those two years of my life. In my bitterest moments I say yes. I mean, what if I missed every opportunity at something better? Something that would have lasted.
I pushed people away who were my true friends simply because they were girls, simply because of jealousy. What if I hadn't pushed them away? What would things be like today?
But, I generally say that I do not regret those two years. I learned a lot. And, most of the memories were fantastic. I learned so many lessons. I learned not to fool myself simply because it was more convenient than the truth... I fooled myself into thinking that we belonged together, even though it became apparent that we did not. I learned above all that I had no idea who I really was.
Ah... December. I remember the bitter cold of last year. I remember how cruel it was at times, and how liberating it became.
How at one moment the cold was something to be avoided at all costs. But, at other times, I embraced it, and felt the icy sting of winter on my cheek, and loved it.
Now, I am reminded of last winter every time I venture outside and it's freezing.
I am reminded of the adventures, those times I had with some of the friends I no longer had to push away.
I remember the hopes and dreams that I fostered throughout the winter, but died by spring.
Those dreams of a new and better romance, of a new life...
By spring, the snow melted with my hope... I realized how much I had been fooling myself again.
Now I realize that those memories were wonderful, magical, even without my dreams of romance being realized.
This winter I harbor new aspirations. I torture myself like this... By getting my own hopes up with these fantasies(of the non-sexual variation) and then I slowly begin to understand how deluded I am.
How much I've tricked myself into thinking these things are possible. To think that kind of happiness is possible... This last year, I've gotten used to being single...
But, I haven't gotten used to being alone...
It's hard. It was hard before my only relationship. I see others enjoying each other's happiness.
I have only my own to enjoy. I have only myself to really celebrate my triumphs... and only myself to shoulder my shortfalls and mistakes...
The cold reminds me most of my lost dreams, and my new ones. I am almost certain they will meet the same fate. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing, perhaps it is for the best. I no longer think that everything happens for a reason.
Today was especially torturous. I waited the entire day for just a few minutes of joy. And it certainly was joyous for me. I melted at her smile... as always. As I always have. I think my ex-girlfriend knew that better than I did at the time.
My silly crushes. I no longer even dream of reveling them. How could I? Risk destruction of my friendship? That is something I cherish far too much to lose. And, how could I inform them that I have these feelings? It feels as if that would be a burden to them. It feels as if I would be punishing them with for being my friend. They don't deserve that...
All my happiness is a respite from my fears, from my short comings as a person, from my stress.
I am happy a majority of the time. I fear, however, that this winter will be a particularly dark one, full of bittersweet memories. I have my wonderful family and friends though, just like last time. I'll be just fine. No worries.
