The Divine Inspiration of a Poor Tree Farmer

This is the rough draft I submitted for class. We just had to write a short story. I don't think it's very good, but I like it anyway. I certainly hope to improve my style, but this is my first real attempt.

With two hundred thousand people starring at me and the television cameras pointed at my face, I began to realize that I was in way over my head. Many people find themselves wondering “How did I get here”, not me; I know how I got here, and who got me here. The person, if you can call Him a person, was God, who actually turned out to be a jerk.

Listen: Just a few months ago, I was just a simple farmer… a tree farmer and a pretty bad one at that. I was poor; I hadn’t planned out my finances very well. I hadn’t anticipated that trees would take so long to grow. It’s not as if I knew much about tree farming when I started, my parents weren’t tree farmers, and there were no tree farming courses at my college. These are things you must find out first hand! Sure, I could have asked a tree farmer, but how many tree farmers do you know? None. Except for me, I suppose, but I digress. My point is that I am poor. I’m still paying off my college loans. If you are wondering, I received a degree in philosophy and then decided that life was absurd and pointless. As a result of this decision, I choose to pick the stupidest profession I could think of merely to entertain myself in some weird way.

So, there I was, in the middle of the winter, in my shack next to my forest, eating bark. It’s not so bad; you get lots of fiber which makes you very regular. This may be more information than you want, but I could probably set a clock to my bowl movements. Anyway, there I was, eating my bark, drinking my rainwater, and trying to figure out where my life went wrong. In the middle of my dinner, I was interrupted by this incredibly bright light outside my shack. At first, I thought that my forest was ablaze, or that I was having an acid flashback. I opened the door of my home, and immediately shut my eyes tight and fell to the ground. It felt as if my eyes had just burst into flame, and I felt heat all over my body. Then, I heard “Oh stand up you pathetic imbecile”. The person who said it had a very deep voice, it sounded like James Earl Jones had just eaten peanut butter. I stood up, and opened my eyes again. It still hurt a lot, but I could see what was emanating the light. I immediately realized what was going on, and smacked my hand against my forehead. I softly said “Oh no…”

“What? What is it, why do you say, oh no?” wondered the glowing white being

“Well, you see... I’m an atheist, so, I’m kind of committed to thinking you don’t exist. This kind of shatters my whole world view”

“Yes, those who do not believe are fools”

“Or maybe… or maybe I am just crazy, yeah, I think I must be crazy. I must have cabin fever or something, I mean, I haven’t seen another human being in over five years, I haven’t been off this farm for ten… My diet consists of bark and bugs I find. Yeah, I am just delirious.”

“No, you are not. I am the Lord, your god”

“No… try; I am the Lord, your hallucination. Listen, as long as you are just in my mind, could you turn off the whole bright light thing, I get the point, you are divine”

And, immediately, the light dimmed. I could see that this God fellow was just white humanoid, devoid of any unique characteristics. He looked like a male mannequin.

“Alright, if you are this God-thing, then, what do you want with me?”

“Well, I like picking poor, destitute, chemically imbalanced men to be my prophets. So, you are it”

“Uh, so, what do you want to tell me about life? What information would you like me to relay to the human race? A message of kindness and compassion? A blistery fire and brimstone sermon? That it’s cool to be gay now? I hope it’s something exciting.”

“Nothing like that, I just want you to tell the human race that I am leaving to create a new galaxy, that this one has began to bore me, and that you are all on your own now”

“That’s kind of depressing. But people will never believe me, and they will probably get mad if I start saying things like that, I’ll get stoned, like, Old Testament style.”

“No worries, I no longer care about the fate of this world, so I will just give you the power to perform miracles… trivial miracles. Yes…yes… and I want you to use your new powers to prove that you are a prophet of God, and then tell them I am leaving”

“Uh, if you are leaving, why do you care if we know or not?”

“Well, there are a lot of people who have invested a lot of time and money in worshipping me, and I feel as though I owe them a goodbye, though, I don’t want to get too personal, so, you are it”

And He was gone. The human race was alone in the universe. I didn’t really care too much, but I knew some people would be pretty sore about it. I had a long few months ahead of me. I had no idea where to start. I used my new found powers to conjure myself some money, and bought a computer. With my new found access to the internet, I needed to figure out a way to make myself famous. After searching around for a while, I decided that making a video of myself doing something miraculous and posting it on a popular video website would be a good start. So, I bought a video camera, and sought out someone to perform a trivial miracle on. I began walking around, changing people’s hair colors, turning diet soda into regular soda, bringing road kill back to life, and flipping light switches from across the room. I posted my video and called it “God Sent Me to Impress You with My Skillz”

Comments were mostly negative. Well, they were all negative, but some were negative in a nice way. Some said awful things about me and my mother, and a few compared me to Hitler for some reason. I didn’t think that was appropriate at all. I knew that this was no way to get famous, so I had to use my miracle powers to do it. I changed all the negative comments to glowing reviews, and added about five million views to my video. I went outside to my forest, conjured a hammock, and awaited the arrival of the major news corporations.

I was awoken by somebody poking me. I opened my eyes, and saw what I knew I would. There were cameras set up all around me, and a man in a nice suit was warming up for our interview. I walked up to him, and told him that I was sent by God to deliver a message to mankind, and that I was going to do it when he interviewed me. He loved the idea, but this guy walked up to me from the news van. “No, that won’t work” the man said.

“What? Why not?”

“Listen, if people buy this whole sent from God thing, it has huge potential, you could have millions of followers, make a fortune! And, we want to be there every step of the way. How about a television show? Anything you want! Just impress people in this interview, and word will spread. Come up with some phony baloney advice, we will have you publish some self-help book, and presto, we are all a lot richer.”

“I don’t have any good advice… I mean, I’m a tree farmer living in a shack eating bark, I don’t have anything to say… well, other than the whole message from God thing.”

“Don’t worry about that, we will make it all up for you, you will just have to read what we tell you to read, and we will be fine. You have these little magic tricks, and we have all the advice you need to make us all rich. And, you can even deliver your little message from God, provided it won’t offend anyone.”

“Well… alright, I won’t spill the beans just yet.”

And that is what started this whole crazy spiral of press, money, orgies, drugs, books, church, and television appearances that have consumed my life for the last few months. My popularity was finally starting to dwindle, so my agent told me that it was time to deliver the whole message from God. The only problem was I couldn’t really remember it that well. Two months of sniffing the finest glue in the world will cause you to forget some things. I couldn’t tell anyone that though, so I just figured that it would come back to me.

So, that is how I got to be on that stage, in front of the whole world. Well, at least the people with televisions, the half of the world that is starving to death has no idea all this stupid stuff is going on, but everyone else was watching me. It was time to speak.

“Uh… Hello” I began, feeling uncertain of myself. I then told my life story, up to when God visited me. I continued “When God visited me, well; He had nothing but nice things to say… He wanted you all to know that He was proud of you all, and that you should give yourselves nice pats on the back… Oh! And He also wanted you all to know He existed, so, that’s cool, I guess… I know there was something else… about him going on a vacation or something…”

At this point, people started to lose their patience, they started to leave and boo. I was thinking that I was losing them, and God was going to be mad… and that’s when I remembered.

“Oh, yeah! That’s right, I remember now. God wanted to let you all know that he is leaving our universe! He is going to start a new one… he got bored or something. Geez, that blows huh? I forgot how depressing that was… but, hey, now that He’s out of the picture, we can party and stuff right? Like all the time?”

People kept leaving, they didn’t want my message from God, they didn’t believe me, they were angry at me for even suggesting such a thing. Didn’t God realize that people wouldn’t believe me? That they wouldn’t want to accept what I had to say? I went back to my shack in disgrace, and found my shack and forest burned to the ground. All my worldly possessions were gone. And so were my powers. God’s message went unheard, and people went on living just as they had before. All of their prayers went unanswered. No one noticed that God was gone… except me. For those months, I had something to believe in, that what God told me was true, and that I could accomplish His mission. He was wrong, and I was nobody again. I had less than when I started.

I had the memories though. I did have a good time doing all of those things. Perhaps I couldn’t have done them without my trivial miracle powers, but, I did them all the same. I still thought life was absurd, but I no longer cared if it was pointless or not. I just wanted to have fun, to enjoy life. So, I grabbed some bark off of one of my remaining trees, and started walking. I didn’t know where I was going, or what I was going to do, but I was going to go and do something. And I was going to enjoy it. Or, I wasn’t, but I would have those memories. And in the end, that is all anyone ever has

Here Comes December, How I Missed Thee

Life is pretty good right now. I am starting to hate my job more and more every week, but that's nothing new. Politics are slow, and I have a lot more free time now that I don't have to spend all my time pouring over polls.

December 4th is going to mark my third year at showplace. How magical. I remember that day well... I didn't realize it at the time, but I would meet people I truly cherish now.

Mid-December will mark one year after the end of my long and only relationship.

People often ask if I regret those two years of my life. In my bitterest moments I say yes. I mean, what if I missed every opportunity at something better? Something that would have lasted.

I pushed people away who were my true friends simply because they were girls, simply because of jealousy. What if I hadn't pushed them away? What would things be like today?

But, I generally say that I do not regret those two years. I learned a lot. And, most of the memories were fantastic. I learned so many lessons. I learned not to fool myself simply because it was more convenient than the truth... I fooled myself into thinking that we belonged together, even though it became apparent that we did not. I learned above all that I had no idea who I really was.

Ah... December. I remember the bitter cold of last year. I remember how cruel it was at times, and how liberating it became.

How at one moment the cold was something to be avoided at all costs. But, at other times, I embraced it, and felt the icy sting of winter on my cheek, and loved it.

Now, I am reminded of last winter every time I venture outside and it's freezing.

I am reminded of the adventures, those times I had with some of the friends I no longer had to push away.

I remember the hopes and dreams that I fostered throughout the winter, but died by spring.

Those dreams of a new and better romance, of a new life...

By spring, the snow melted with my hope... I realized how much I had been fooling myself again.

Now I realize that those memories were wonderful, magical, even without my dreams of romance being realized.

This winter I harbor new aspirations. I torture myself like this... By getting my own hopes up with these fantasies(of the non-sexual variation) and then I slowly begin to understand how deluded I am.

How much I've tricked myself into thinking these things are possible. To think that kind of happiness is possible... This last year, I've gotten used to being single...

But, I haven't gotten used to being alone...

It's hard. It was hard before my only relationship. I see others enjoying each other's happiness.

I have only my own to enjoy. I have only myself to really celebrate my triumphs... and only myself to shoulder my shortfalls and mistakes...

The cold reminds me most of my lost dreams, and my new ones. I am almost certain they will meet the same fate. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing, perhaps it is for the best. I no longer think that everything happens for a reason.

Today was especially torturous. I waited the entire day for just a few minutes of joy. And it certainly was joyous for me. I melted at her smile... as always. As I always have. I think my ex-girlfriend knew that better than I did at the time.

My silly crushes. I no longer even dream of reveling them. How could I? Risk destruction of my friendship? That is something I cherish far too much to lose. And, how could I inform them that I have these feelings? It feels as if that would be a burden to them. It feels as if I would be punishing them with for being my friend. They don't deserve that...

All my happiness is a respite from my fears, from my short comings as a person, from my stress.

I am happy a majority of the time. I fear, however, that this winter will be a particularly dark one, full of bittersweet memories. I have my wonderful family and friends though, just like last time. I'll be just fine. No worries.

Change is coming!

To this blog? Perhaps... I am really loving how my layout has come together. It creates the perfect level of irony. However, as I want to start posting non-political blogs, I think I will have to create a separate site for those. I will be sure to keep you all updated if I do so.

Also, I would like to thank those of you who read this silly thing, I appreciate it quite a bit. Though, at this point, I don't really care if anyone reads these entries or not, I just enjoy writing.

I just need to come up with a name for my personal/philosophical blog. I've gotten this one taken care of, now I just need another name.

But, I don't want suggestions, this has to be something meaningful to me.

Also, I am thinking about ending anonymous posts, because they are getting annoying. If you comment on my blog, I would like to know who you are. Is it so hard to enter a name?

Next time I get an anonymous comment like this "He won't get reelected because he will get shot" I am ending anonymous comments. I don't want to, I am a free speech freak and all, but really, it just pisses me off. I really wish that person had entered their name, so I would know who I need not ever talk to again.

Anyway, back to CHANGE. In a few months, I am going to be switching from my gleeful support of Obama to a harsh critic. After all, you must remember, he is not our boss, it is the other way around. We, who got him elected, are his boss. And we demand that our will be done. He'd better do a damned good job. I am optimistic, but I am ready to start calling him the next Clinton and a damned moderate governing from the center-right.

I really like Obama as a person. It is yet to be seen if I will like him as a President.

The New Dawn of Liberalism

Congratulations fellow Comrades! We have done it! We have spoken! We have turned our state blue! We have elected a true progressive to the presidency. We have elected a black man, Virginia elected a black man... the state of Jefferson Davis! Wow, just amazing.

We have done our part. Now Obama must deliver.

He must not be another Bill Clinton. He must not govern from the center-right. This is not a center-right country, not anymore. This is a moderate, liberal leaning country, whether our citizens would like to admit that or not.

He must govern from the left, and move our country in that way dramatically.

Though, he must include some republicans in this process. I think he would be wise to choose Dick Lugar as the Secretary of State, and Chuck Hagel as the U.N. ambassador.

He must above all, do a great job. He must be like FDR. I want to be able to speak proudly of the social achievements that BHO was able to accomplish.
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And, conservatives, really, it isn't going to be as awful as you fear. And, you can call us stupid all you want, but really, after the last eight years, did you really expect a different result?

Did you really expect us stupid Americans to be tricked again? Bush said it best "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... you ain't gonna fool me again"

Call us stupid all you want. Please. Turn our political discourse uglier. Say that your world is over, threaten to move to... what Iran? You'd like it there, war-hawks, religious fanatics, ultra-nationalism.

I hope we liberals weren't as nasty about our loss four years ago. I am damn glad we lost four years ago. I am still upset about losing eight years ago.

Honestly. I promise you that the world will not be destroyed. Your silly end-times and other fairy tails won't happen. Obama is not the Antichrist. Because such a thing doesn't exist, you silly people. Israel won't be destroyed. I know conservatives love Israel because you need it for your apocalypse, so Jesus can come back and kill all the jews, or whatever.

Now, with Obama, we can avoid an actual apocalypse, it's called climate change. It's real, there is evidence, evidence that doesn't come from a book written two thousand years ago. It has more validation than Santa Claus.

I promise you all, we will be fine. Obama is not a socialist.

I would like to thank those of you who kept me going throughout this election:

Comrade Sarah Goth, Alex Abbott, Ian Shepherd, Stephen Barker, Jon Paul, Cameron Schimmel, V.I. Fritz, Faith Schooler, Jane Collins, and... well, I'm sure I'm forgetting a few of you, I'm sorry... also, to Matt Rogers, who is, like many conservatives, a very good guy, and one of the smartest people I have ever met. I hope that they don't view eight years of Obama as we liberals view the last eight years. That they are able to find some common ground. And that America changes in such a fundamentally positive way that they must admit success.

Is the progressive tax socialism? Also: "Cult of Personality"

If it is, then most Presidents have been socialists as well.

Was Adam Smith a dirty commie? I mean, he died twenty-eight years before Marx was born, but still, check out this quote.

The necessaries of life occasion the great expense of the poor. They find it difficult to get food, and the greater part of their little revenue is spent in getting it. The luxuries and vanities of life occasion the principal expense of the rich, and a magnificent house embellishes and sets off to the best advantage all the other luxuries and vanities which they possess. A tax upon house-rents, therefore, would in general fall heaviest upon the rich; and in this sort of inequality there would not, perhaps, be anything very unreasonable. It is not very unreasonable that the rich should contribute to the public expense, not only in proportion to their revenue, but something more than in that proportion.

Comrade Eisenhower was Marx reincarnated in this case, under his administration, and a republican congress the top tax rate was 91%.

Nixon as well, top tax rate? 70%. I'm surprised McCarthy didn't drive the American flag straight through his heart.

McCain also opposed the Bush tax cuts saying "When you reach a certain level of comfort, there's nothing wrong with paying somewhat more"

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So, whats so evil about the progressive tax system? Isn't it just punishing people for being wealthy?

Well, first of all, I agree with the McCain quote I referenced before.

Also:

- Those who are wealthy have more political influence. Therefore they will have more say in implementing laws that favor their interests. This, over time, will cause a greater gap between the poor and the super wealthy. The progressive tax is a way to "redistribute wealth" in a fair way. The tax revenue can be used to build infrastructure, create new government jobs, improve education, and fund social programs that millions depend on.

- As an individual's wealth increases, they spend less and save more, and as the poor lose money, they can't spend as much as they previously did. Demand can be create by taxing the poor less by taxing the rich more.

- The rich have a greater need of public services than do the poor. The wealthy need services such as national defense, protection of property by police agencies, and infrastructure more than the poor do. The poor need not worry about millions of dollars being stolen from them, nor large terrorist attacks to cripple the economy of the country.

Those are just the simple, cookie cutter arguments. I think a progressive tax represents fundamental economic fairness. I don't think it punishes those who succeed, it just helps others to succeed as well, even if their success isn't as great. Even if is just a modest dream, the progressive tax makes them all possible. It allows the poor to pay little to no taxes, and the rich to pay a higher tax so that no social programs will have to be cut.

I have only had one semester of economic classes, so, I don't have graphs or anything. But, I am minoring in economics, so I should be able to wow you all in a few years.
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"Cult of Personality"

Often ignorant people discuss politics. This is painful for me. It happens on both sides, ignorant democrats and republicans are most likely equal. The result to silly character attacks and calling each other fascists, commies, traitors, and terrorists. They support politicians fervently whom they know nothing about, with the exception of the (D) or (R).

Most of the ignorance has been towards Obama this election season:

That Obama, he's a muslin, an Arab, and he sat through that evil REVEREND, AT CHURCH.

That Obama is a socialist, he will make this the United Socialist States of America! He will enslave the white race, declare a jihad on Christianity, force schools to teach Islam and Marxism, and crash Air Force One into the white house. After all his name is BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, which sounds a lot like that one guy, Osama bin Hussein, the guy responsible for the 9/11 attack, which is why we invaded his country Iraq. Why would we elect a terrorist like that president?

That Obama! He's black! ITS CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE. He would probably paint it black.

That Obama, he kills babies! BABIES, CUTE LITTLE BABIES, HE PUTS THEM ON TABLES, STABS THEM, AND DRINKS THEIR BLOOD. HE WOULD MAKE ABORTION MANDATORY. FOR WHITES.

That Obama, he draws thousands of people to his rallies. You know who else did that? Hitler. Therefore, Obama is just like Hitler. Even though Hitler would have had Obama killed. Obama would do the same to whitie! Obama has a loyal and efficient grassroots organization? Guess who else did? Hitler, and his supporters KILLED PEOPLE. They killed socialist like Obama... err, I mean, Obama is a nazi. And a socialist. (I don't argue with people who bring up Obama/Hitler comparisons, nor people who make pictures of Obama in Nazi outfit. Only a fool argues with a fool, after all)

HE WOULD ABOLISH HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE. ONLY MARRIAGE FOR GAYZ.

AND HE KILLS BABIES, AND HE IS BLACK. FOR FUCKS SAKE, HE IS BLACKK!!!! AHHHH.

Listen whities, Obama poses no threat to any of you. Listen, conservatives, once again, Obama poses no threat to you.

Listen, if Obama wins, I will try and comfort my conservative friends. We will make it through this thing together, alright?

The Hopes and Fears of all our Years are Here With Us Tonight

Tomorrow is what most have been calling the most important election of a lifetime. Perhaps it is, though I have only been around for eighteen years. I am nervous right now, anxious at the possible result tomorrow might bring.

If McCain wins, it will be validation that liberalism is dead in America. Thankfully, McCain won't be able to get anything done with 56-58 democrats in the senate. And guess what else? Roe V. Wade won't be overturned, sorry. Social conservatives will have been tricked again, voting for the ticket that they thought would outlaw sodomy and abortion, and teach abstinence only education across the entire United States. None of that will happen.

Wars will escalate however. Tension will increase with the middle-eastern superpower that is Iran. Fear will be paramount in a McCain administration. Permanent war is a necessary objective for those with power to retain that power.

More will die without cause. We will become more polarized with the rest of the world. Nationalism will reign supreme. Critics will be labeled traitors or worse.

McCain will either be reelected or step down due to age. Palin will win her election, after all, she didn't accidentally hit the nuke button in those four/eight years of being VP.

Or, perhaps Obama will win. Perhaps the United States of America will elect a black man. A black man with the name Barack Hussein Obama. America, with the horrible legacy of slavery and Jim Crow laws, will elect a black man. Not only will this be the greatest triumph in American history, but it will be perhaps the greatest triumph in the history of the world. Perhaps you feel this is hyperbolic, and perhaps you are right.

Obama is as smart as it gets. He is a true elite.

But, with electing Obama, fears will always be present. What if he is killed? The first black president the victim of an assassin's bullet. Along with the terrible legacy of slavery, America also holds the terrible legacy of political assassinations. If Obama is killed the darkest cloud of all will be cast upon this nation. I cannot imagine the ramifications.

And, what if Obama is unable to restore this country? What if due to events that may be out of his control, he is viewed as a failure? Racists will feel vindicated. Liberalism will start to die out. We will protract back to the middle ages. Perhaps we will be able to achieve that long awaited theocracy that so many have wished for. Perhaps in the next thirty years.

And if Obama is the next FDR? Lincoln? Our greatest President? Well, I cannot imagine the ramifications of that either. It is far too wonderful of a thought to comprehend for someone who has only really lived through Bush.

If Obama wins, I won't be proud of America. How could I be? Being proud of a country is silly. I will be proud of humanity.