The Heavy Burden of Consciousness

We are all the same, really. I'm not talking about egalitarianism, I'm talking about the most basic level. I'm talking about the soul. If the soul can be said to exist. I'm talking about consciousness, if such a thing exists.

As in Breakfast of Champions, we are all an unwavering beam of light. That our bodies are just meat machines, and that the only truly alive part of us is our awareness.

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As many of you know, I work at a movie theater. I often have conversations with my coworkers about the terrible movies we have, and how people enjoy them so. Often I say that I wish I could enjoy every movie I see. I wish I could find joy from such simple things, instead of needing complexity and meaning behind everything.

Perhaps it would be better to be a simpler person. To enjoy things that I consider stupid, vapid, inane.

To return to my childhood.

I feel as though when I was a child, I found enjoyment in almost anything. I could watch any television program and be interested. I loved every movie I watched.

Though, somehow, I never let television destroy my imagination, like so many others. I played for hours with my plastic green and tan army men. Staging elaborate battles, with great heroes and evil villains. Morality was simple. Everything was black and white. Good guys and bad guys.

I knew what was right and wrong.

This is before my moral development. Before I saw the shades of gray. When everything had an answer. When I knew who I was, and what would happen when I died.

Before things stopped making sense. Before my morality evolved, before I was able to empathize with others. Before I cared about everyone so damned much.

I only felt my own pain in those simple days. Now I feel the world's agony weighing down on me.

Some stay at that childhood stage. Those who feel as though everything is simple. That they know who they are, and that they have a role to fulfill based on gender, culture, or religion.

That they know what is right and what is wrong. And that the shades of gray don't exist. That you are either with them, or against them. Those fools.

Those fools who never question who they are. Never wonder, what the hell am I doing here? What is the point of everything? Why bother?

They can say, a man is a man, and a woman is a woman. Men should be masculine, because that is what they are. No introspection required. Only testosterone. No self-reflection.

No self-awareness. Only animal instinct. On the most basic level.

Religion often lets us escape this introspection. It acts as a substitute for digging deep into your own soul, and defining your very essence. Why try and discover who you are when your religion so clearly tells you the answer.

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I used to know who I was. I used to think I knew. I have no idea now. It scares me. That must be another reason my relationship failed. How can I proclaim to love someone, to know them intimately, when I don't know myself?

What the fuck am I doing? Is there a reason for all of this? Am I doing the right things? Does it matter?
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Though, even the people on the most simplistic stages of moral development realize their own mortality. Instead of facing it, they accept what Kurt Vonnegut called "foma" or harmless untruths. Instead of facing the scariest thought of all, they must run to the idea of an afterlife.

Is there a soul? I have no idea. I like to think so. I like to think that I am more than just carbon. More than just chemical reactions.
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Would I be happier if I did not require all of this deep thinking? If I could just accept life for what it is. If I just did what was expected of me, in this country, as a male, as a Christian.

Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is truly terrifying.

Those happy fools. Those who can say, I know who I am, I am a man. I am an American. A Christian.

Those who can find solace and happiness in raising families. Trying to make their children just like them. Trying to make sure that their children can fit into the same archetype that they fell into, and that their father fell into.

That everyone should fit into a generic personality. One of the many archetypes, the stay at home mom, the dad who likes fishin' and huntin' and guns, and god. They know their purpose. Their purpose requires no introspection. They have a mission in life. To reproduce. To serve a deity.
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Would it be easier to be like those fools? Perhaps.

But perhaps they will miss the greatest joys of life. They will find that they cannot live up to societies standards of what a man or woman should be. They will see themselves as failures, and hatred will begin to fuel that previously happy ignorance.

That I know I cannot fail because I am my own person. I exist in my own reality. That I can only measure myself by my own standards. That I have no god to face, only me. And, in the end, I think that is a lot tougher. To look at yourself in the mirror and see if you are happy with who you are, what you have become. To lie on your death bed satisfied. To die content. To accept your own fate and your own history.
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We are all alone. On this level of awareness, we are alone. We only exist inside this band of light. We may share every single part of our lives with another human being, but we can never share this most intimate part of us. The only real part of us. Behind our layers of personality is our soul. Behind our actions, our explanations for life, behind the distractions we create, we are all the same.

We are all so fragile. And alone.
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The only moral thing to do, really, is help each other through this thing, whatever it is. To help one another enjoy this time we have. To share our fears, our hopes, our soul. To love, love with all our power.

To love with the deepest passion we can exude. And to use this love to help others. To save others from this loneliness. From the despair this permanent solitude can cause. To understand each other. To listen. To care.

With Love,
An Unwavering Band of Light

I Was Trying to Sleep (I was trying to dream)

Note: This post is not political at all, just personal. I have been mulling over whether I should post this or not. So, we will see how this goes.

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The night before last, I had one of the rare dreams that I remember well. Let me preface this this by laying out my beliefs towards my own dreams. When I am subconsciously unhappy with my life in general, I have very pleasant dreams, and wake up in disappointment at my own reality. When I am happy however, I have horrible dreams, often featuring the death of loved ones, only to wake up and be immediately relieved that it was just a dream. At least, this is how it seems.

Anyway, to the dream. This was of the very pleasant variety, one of the first in a long time. I recall the dream as being covered by a light fog. The dream involved me and a girl I once had feelings for. The dream was not sexual at all, though I felt a strong passion and love. Even though not so much as a kiss occurred, it was the most sensual dream I have ever had.

I remember this girl leaning over to me, to rest her head in my lap, with her back to me. This was to my great shock and glee, but at the same time I panicked, where should I place my arm, my hand? Was this just a friendly gesture, or was she counting on me to be more? "I'm trying not to be perverted, so where should I place my hand?" I recall myself asking. She placed my hand on her stomach, and I felt a sudden euphoria. Later on, we were lying next to each other, talking, being in one each others presence. Right before I awoke, we embraced in a hug, saying our goodbyes. It was a happy, optimistic parting.

The identity of the girl in the dream is of no real importance. To me, she represents all of the girls I have pined for silently. Those whom I was friends with for a long time, but never anything more.

I often wonder why nothing ever happened. The easiest thing to say is that I am just too shy. Too afraid of being rejected. I have even thought that perhaps to ask one of these girls to be more than friends with me would be unfair to the girl. They don't deserve to be burdened by me, they could be with someone much better.

Every time I lose hope that there could ever be something between me and someone else, I start to destroy that friendship. I have done this several times. I become mean, vicious, and my jokes become less lighthearted.

I have never known why I do this, but perhaps this dream holds part of the answer.

Perhaps it is best that nothing ever panned out. The reason I say this is that the dream of what could of been is always better than the reality. That the concept is always flawless while the actual thing is always flawed. That my dreams of these people being perfect goddesses is better than just a moment of true romance. After all, nothing can ever be as good as we dream it.

Perhaps I destroyed those friendships for that reason. For the reason that the one time I let something go further, I chased the dream and ignored reality. I envisioned things as better than they were, and I was blind to the tragedy I was living through. I thought I could live up to unrealistic expectations, and that she lived up to mine.

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Today I awoke from a sleepless dream. I went to sleep the night prior with worries about everything. I felt as if I was being buried by responsibilities. Everything was coming together in a perfect storm of stress. I woke up at 5 a.m., my nose feeling wet. I have been sick this week, so I thought I was having some sinus problems. I got out of my bed, and saw I had no tissues in my room. I went into the bathroom, and turned on the light. To my horror, my arms were covered with blood, as well as my mouth and chin.

After the blood stopped pouring from my nose, I looked at myself in the mirror again, in utter disgust. There is certainly something unsettling with being covered in your own blood. Even in my horror, I was able to find humor in the situation, I mean, if someone walked in on me at the moment, it would look not only like I murdered someone, but that I also ate them.

I cleaned up, and went back to sleep, felling worse than I had before, and feeling even sicker.

Perhaps it is a bit much to try and read symbolism from actual events. I find myself doing that a lot now. I try and find symbolism in everything. This is especially strange for someone who somewhat believes everything is inherently meaningless. Perhaps it shows I wish everything did have meaning. That everything was related, somehow.

However, the fact that I awoke to the horror of myself covered in blood on this dreamless night is hard to ignore. This happened the night after the most memorable dream I have had in years. I think it further validates this idea. That dreams are wonderful and perfect, and that the actual thing will only destroy that perfect dream you have.

That everything around you will deteriorate.

But in your dreams you live forever, you achieve everything, your friends and family live by your side in your support.

In truth, I felt my own morality heavy upon me. That one day, after all my dreams are done, and I have no more time for fictional beauty, I will die, die and never dream again. Only rest, forever, in a dreamless sleep.

That life can never be as good as we wish it to be. And that in our triumphs there is tragedy. Yet in our tragedies there is also triumph, the birth of a new dream, the dream of what could have been. What will never be, except in your own reality. And really, that is all we have.
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Sorry if you find this post depressing, I do not. I also do not wish you to think that I hate life, I love life. I truly do. I wish to find someone wonderful, and I want that person to become more than a dream. I want someone as flawed as I am. As human, as mortal. Someone to share my hopes and fears. That is a dream that reality will be able to meet.

Powell, and Drugs

Quick note on Powell:

Wow, I was very happy to see that Powell said something to the effect of

“The republicans are asking, is Obama a Muslim? Well, the right answer is, no, he is a Christian, he has always been a Christian. But the really right answer is, what if he was? What is wrong with a seven year old Muslim-American girl or boy thinking that they could be president one day?”

I couldn’t have said it better. So thanks for that. This whole thing almost makes up for the whole selling this awful war to the UN. I saw W. over the weekend, and it painted a very favorable picture of Powell, its too bad he caved to the pressure and sold Bush’s lies.

He had his own part in the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and thousands of Americans.

I hope he continues trying to repent for his crimes.

Drugs-

If John McCain and Barack Obama want to cut part of the budget, how about the $50 billion we spend per year on the war on drugs? It is a failed program. Just like prohibition.

Just like prohibition, if you outlaw something you are going to create underground organizations.

Prohibition created organized crime in this country. The war on drugs has created drug lords, drug dealers, and a giant underground business of selling illicit drugs.

The war on drugs has filled our prisons with non-violent criminals.

With poor people.

Are people who smoke pot criminals? Criminals that belong onside with murders and rapists? Should a crack user share a cell with an armed robber?

The thing about drug laws and punishment is the unfairness. The class and race unfairness. What is to happen to a poor black teenager who is arrested for selling or using hard drugs? Prison.

What is to happen to a rich white woman who illegally buys and uses painkillers? Rehab. No prison, no real punishment. Total forgiveness.

If young Obama had been caught using drugs his career would be over. His life would be over. When Cindy McCain was discovered to be addicted to painkillers nothing happened, she faced no threat of prison. Are their crimes serious? Of course not.

Drugs are a huge problem. Outlawing drugs is not the answer. It solves nothing. It just puts poor people in jail.

What then is the solution? Education of course. But not only education.

The real cause of heavy drug use is often deep poverty. Drugs offer the only escape. The life of the poor can be and is so awful that using drugs is the only way out. Or perhaps religion. They are both things people who have no hope seek.

Education is once again the answer to poverty. Comprehensive economic education must be a key factor in all school curriculum. All throughout a students career. Along with that drug and sex education to try and limit the amount of unwanted pregnancies and drug use that helps to cause prolonged poverty.

But education is the long term solution. We need something more immediate. Government work programs to rebuild infrastructure is one answer. This would include the dreaded government housing, and cleaning up the poorest neighborhoods.

Welfare must be drastically changed. Abuses of the system must stop. But there must also be better incentives to work instead of depending on the government. If one can make more money from welfare than from working two jobs why bother? I don’t know exactly how to do this, but perhaps with more research and more education in economics I will.

I don’t want to go point by point on this, but better economic conditions will cure the problem of drug use.

Will drug use go away? Of course not. Drugs are fun! I’d smoke marijuna if it was legal. I think it would be an interesting experience. Do I refrain from doing it now in respect of the laws of the land?

Of course not. I have no respect for laws I don’t believe in. I don’t care if people occasionally use recreational drugs. I don’t think they are criminals.

Sorry for rambling on. I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things, so I’m just trying to cram it all in as I think of it.

Oh no... it's abortion time.

That's right. I thought it was just about time for me to cover everyone's favorite topic, abortion!

Ugh. Listen, I will never sway anyone with my views on abortion, and no one will ever sway me. Call me a baby killer all you want.

So, instead I want talk about abortion in a different way.

I think that one of the most dangerous things to our democracy is single-issue voters. And what is the main single issue? Abortion of course. I know of many people who only vote for politicians who are pro-life.

Well, if you are one of those people, let me ask you, how has that worked for you so far? George Bush was pro-life. Is abortion illegal? No. The number of abortions have stagnated, sure, but when Bill Clinton(pro-choice) was president the number of abortions went down, every single year. Perhaps that has nothing to do with who was in charge, but let it show that the pro-lifers have done nothing useful for their movement.

Why is this so dangerous to our nation? It serves the people with unpopular views very well. They use abortion as a wedge issue so that voters will ignore the candidates dangerous policies that go against the voter's own economic benefit. They will vote for this person just because they want to overturn Roe v. Wade.

But, let me ask you, what would happen if Roe v. Wade was overturned?

Nothing. That is until a state made abortion illegal.

See, all Roe V. Wade did was make abortion legal throughout the country, if it is overturned, abortion will still be legal throughout the country. Until a state outlaws it.

Quite a few states have much better protections of a woman's right to choose than Roe V. Wade has. So, abortion will most likely always be legal somewhere in the United States.

Unless, that is, there is a constitutional amendment that outlaws it. Now, why would you state's rights conservatives ever want the federal government telling each state what to do? That would go against your whole principle of state's rights.

Oh yeah, that's right, women get abortions. No problem then. No problem with the federal government telling women what they can and can't do. So long as the federal government doesn't try and touch our guns!
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So, what is my view on abortion? I think it should be legal. Maybe I will get more into it in the vigorous discussion that is likely to break out. Man, I hate abortion. Who doesn't?

Let's have better education. Let's have better adoption programs. Let's make it make sense for a woman to carry her unborn to term.

Let's stop this abstinence only bullshit. Kids are going to have sex. So teach them how to do it right. Perhaps the government should issue free contraceptives? Perhaps they should be included when we get universal health care.

No, conservatives don't want that. They want abortion to go away, but they don't want to take the steps too make it go away. They just want to outlaw it, not to solve the problem that is causing the abortions.

And they sure don't want to "encourage kids to have sex". As if you have to encourage kids to have sex, they are going to fuck whether to tell them to or not.

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In other news, it looks bad for gay marriage in California. Proposition Hate (8) looks like it is going to pass, which will put a constitutional amendment in the state saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman.

Why is it going to pass? Obama. Plain and simple. Obama is drawing out tons of black voters. they sympathize with the struggle that homosexuals are going through? No. 58% support prop hate. They don't see it as the same as their struggle against "separate but equal". But aren't civil unions supposed to be separate from marriages but equal? I don't blame Obama, and I don't blame blacks. Those are just the facts. The thing I blame is religion. Religion for opposing this civil rights issue. For preaching backwards thought. For preaching hate. Oh, I know you Christians view homosexuality as an abomination, just like shellfish. But does God hate shellfish eaters? Nope, just fags. What did Jesus say about gays? Oh yeah, nothing. He just wanted us to love everyone. Psh. As if Christianity has anything to do with Jesus.

This depresses me a lot. This is going to set California and the gay rights movement back a decade.

I'll have another post up soon, about the Powell endorsement and about DRUGS!!

How can one be "anti-gay"?

Listen:

I want to separate this from politics by saying this isn't about gay marriage. This is about our overall feeling about homosexuals.

I was eating lunch with a few people I went to high school with. No names, but they were two girls and one guy. One of the girls told a story about a gay boy who sits next to her in math class, and tells her stories about him having sex with his boyfriend.

She said that she was "anti-gay" and suddenly, the other two people I was with agreed. They agreed that homosexuality was disgusting and wrong.

I volunteered "I actually think it is wonderful!"

"Well, would you go around telling someone you barely know that you had great sex the night before?"

"Well" I said, "I don't think so... well, actually, if I have great sex, I think I would go around and tell everyone how wonderful it was. I don't see why that should be a point of embarrassment or shame."

And everyone laughed.

I felt okay about this conversation, but I left wondering, what does "anti-gay" mean? They are against people being gay? Or they just don't want to hear about it?

I would think that if you are "anti-gay" you must be anti-love. I mean, how could you think that two people loving each other deeply is wrong? The sex of the two lovers shouldn't matter at all.

And, even if love isn't involved, isn't it great that someone is getting some action? I don't mean to be crude or anything, but shouldn't you be happy people are having a good time? When I find out my friends had sex with someone I feel great for them! How wonderful I think! It wouldn't matter if it was a man or a woman they had sex with.

Hell, there isn't the whole pregnancy risk with gay sex huh? That makes it like, twice as good.

Not that I would have gay sex. I'm not a homosexual. I'm just not. I didn't chose to be straight, I just am. I couldn't find men sexually attractive if I tried, just as gay men can't find women sexually attractive.

So, if you think it is a choice, well, you are just going to have to get over that little hurdle.

Saying homosexuality is a choice makes you look ignorant. And please, don't bring religion into rational discussion. Religion destroys rational discussion.

On a side note

Isn't it wonderful that Palin and co. are "tolerant" of gays? As if tolerance was a virtue.

What does tolerance really mean? That you tolerate the existence of gay people? Wow! Thats great, you tolerate the existence of gay people, you don't seek to destroy them. The love this woman has to share! Tolerance!

I hate that word. I tolerate people using that word. I don't punch them in the face for saying it. I just sit there in my anger, and tolerate it.

How about accepting homosexuals? Accepting them for who they are. Accepting that you can't change it, and that they didn't choose to be a homosexual. Accept that they are often proud of who they are. Acceptance is a true virtue. Tolerance is just one step up from hate.

On a personal note

My grandfather died on Friday morning. I went to his funeral today. It was the second funeral I've ever been to, and both have been military funerals.

This is the first time someone close to me has died. And he was very close. I love my grandfather, and he loved me with all his heart. I was his only grandson, and that made me very special to him.

He had an incredibly hard life. He was always poor, born poor, and died in what you could call the lower middle class. He was a veteran of the U.S. Army in the Vietnam War. His only wound was psychological, as he developed post-traumatic stress disorder. He had his bouts with drinking, and he smoked a lot. His smoking is what killed him in the end.

It was only a month ago we found out he had cancer. It struck so fast. I barely had time to cope with that before he passed away.

My only comfort is that he isn't in pain anymore. He had struggled his entire life and now he can finally rest in peace.

The last few days have been the toughest of my life. I feel empty and sad. My family has been a huge help, but I feel alone.

I have wonderful memories, but that isn't enough to cope.

And this is only the first person close to me to die.

I fear my parents death, I fear my grandmother's death.

Life almost seems pointless when everything will die so soon. I will die.

The only thing that can keep me going is the feeling that I should do my best to improve other peoples lives. That is the only thing we can do. Nothing else really matters.

Try and ease the pain of others. Help each other through life.

Religion is no answer for me. I have no use for stories. The thought of an afterlife is wonderful, but doesn't comfort me. I can't say there isn't an afterlife, but no one can say there is.

I have another reason to live. For my grandfather, for my parents, for my friends.

I want to be my grandparents and my parents legacy. I want to vindicate them. I want their struggles to seem worth it.

I must live for others, to improve this world. This world won't be around forever, but it will be around a lot longer than I will.

Living for myself seems so pointless. My life is finite. Once I am dead what does it matter what I did for myself?

At this point in my life, I don't think I want children. Perhaps I will change.

My grandfathers children and grandchildren gave him his only joy and reason to live in his last days. We were his only reason to keep struggling.

I think the best way to pay him back for that is to live for others. To seek to improve others lives.

How am I going to do this? No idea.

I'm going to start by being a kinder person.

I need to lose my temper, but keep my passion.

My passion for humanity.

This may not be very coherent, but I am not very coherent right now.

The only true comfort has been these words

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt"

I hope that describes death. I wish that described life.

Right now, nothing is beautiful, and everything hurts.

I'll be fine, I promise.

With love,
Mark