On a personal note

My grandfather died on Friday morning. I went to his funeral today. It was the second funeral I've ever been to, and both have been military funerals.

This is the first time someone close to me has died. And he was very close. I love my grandfather, and he loved me with all his heart. I was his only grandson, and that made me very special to him.

He had an incredibly hard life. He was always poor, born poor, and died in what you could call the lower middle class. He was a veteran of the U.S. Army in the Vietnam War. His only wound was psychological, as he developed post-traumatic stress disorder. He had his bouts with drinking, and he smoked a lot. His smoking is what killed him in the end.

It was only a month ago we found out he had cancer. It struck so fast. I barely had time to cope with that before he passed away.

My only comfort is that he isn't in pain anymore. He had struggled his entire life and now he can finally rest in peace.

The last few days have been the toughest of my life. I feel empty and sad. My family has been a huge help, but I feel alone.

I have wonderful memories, but that isn't enough to cope.

And this is only the first person close to me to die.

I fear my parents death, I fear my grandmother's death.

Life almost seems pointless when everything will die so soon. I will die.

The only thing that can keep me going is the feeling that I should do my best to improve other peoples lives. That is the only thing we can do. Nothing else really matters.

Try and ease the pain of others. Help each other through life.

Religion is no answer for me. I have no use for stories. The thought of an afterlife is wonderful, but doesn't comfort me. I can't say there isn't an afterlife, but no one can say there is.

I have another reason to live. For my grandfather, for my parents, for my friends.

I want to be my grandparents and my parents legacy. I want to vindicate them. I want their struggles to seem worth it.

I must live for others, to improve this world. This world won't be around forever, but it will be around a lot longer than I will.

Living for myself seems so pointless. My life is finite. Once I am dead what does it matter what I did for myself?

At this point in my life, I don't think I want children. Perhaps I will change.

My grandfathers children and grandchildren gave him his only joy and reason to live in his last days. We were his only reason to keep struggling.

I think the best way to pay him back for that is to live for others. To seek to improve others lives.

How am I going to do this? No idea.

I'm going to start by being a kinder person.

I need to lose my temper, but keep my passion.

My passion for humanity.

This may not be very coherent, but I am not very coherent right now.

The only true comfort has been these words

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt"

I hope that describes death. I wish that described life.

Right now, nothing is beautiful, and everything hurts.

I'll be fine, I promise.

With love,
Mark