Note: This post is not political at all, just personal. I have been mulling over whether I should post this or not. So, we will see how this goes.
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The night before last, I had one of the rare dreams that I remember well. Let me preface this this by laying out my beliefs towards my own dreams. When I am subconsciously unhappy with my life in general, I have very pleasant dreams, and wake up in disappointment at my own reality. When I am happy however, I have horrible dreams, often featuring the death of loved ones, only to wake up and be immediately relieved that it was just a dream. At least, this is how it seems.
Anyway, to the dream. This was of the very pleasant variety, one of the first in a long time. I recall the dream as being covered by a light fog. The dream involved me and a girl I once had feelings for. The dream was not sexual at all, though I felt a strong passion and love. Even though not so much as a kiss occurred, it was the most sensual dream I have ever had.
I remember this girl leaning over to me, to rest her head in my lap, with her back to me. This was to my great shock and glee, but at the same time I panicked, where should I place my arm, my hand? Was this just a friendly gesture, or was she counting on me to be more? "I'm trying not to be perverted, so where should I place my hand?" I recall myself asking. She placed my hand on her stomach, and I felt a sudden euphoria. Later on, we were lying next to each other, talking, being in one each others presence. Right before I awoke, we embraced in a hug, saying our goodbyes. It was a happy, optimistic parting.
The identity of the girl in the dream is of no real importance. To me, she represents all of the girls I have pined for silently. Those whom I was friends with for a long time, but never anything more.
I often wonder why nothing ever happened. The easiest thing to say is that I am just too shy. Too afraid of being rejected. I have even thought that perhaps to ask one of these girls to be more than friends with me would be unfair to the girl. They don't deserve to be burdened by me, they could be with someone much better.
Every time I lose hope that there could ever be something between me and someone else, I start to destroy that friendship. I have done this several times. I become mean, vicious, and my jokes become less lighthearted.
I have never known why I do this, but perhaps this dream holds part of the answer.
Perhaps it is best that nothing ever panned out. The reason I say this is that the dream of what could of been is always better than the reality. That the concept is always flawless while the actual thing is always flawed. That my dreams of these people being perfect goddesses is better than just a moment of true romance. After all, nothing can ever be as good as we dream it.
Perhaps I destroyed those friendships for that reason. For the reason that the one time I let something go further, I chased the dream and ignored reality. I envisioned things as better than they were, and I was blind to the tragedy I was living through. I thought I could live up to unrealistic expectations, and that she lived up to mine.
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Today I awoke from a sleepless dream. I went to sleep the night prior with worries about everything. I felt as if I was being buried by responsibilities. Everything was coming together in a perfect storm of stress. I woke up at 5 a.m., my nose feeling wet. I have been sick this week, so I thought I was having some sinus problems. I got out of my bed, and saw I had no tissues in my room. I went into the bathroom, and turned on the light. To my horror, my arms were covered with blood, as well as my mouth and chin.
After the blood stopped pouring from my nose, I looked at myself in the mirror again, in utter disgust. There is certainly something unsettling with being covered in your own blood. Even in my horror, I was able to find humor in the situation, I mean, if someone walked in on me at the moment, it would look not only like I murdered someone, but that I also ate them.
I cleaned up, and went back to sleep, felling worse than I had before, and feeling even sicker.
Perhaps it is a bit much to try and read symbolism from actual events. I find myself doing that a lot now. I try and find symbolism in everything. This is especially strange for someone who somewhat believes everything is inherently meaningless. Perhaps it shows I wish everything did have meaning. That everything was related, somehow.
However, the fact that I awoke to the horror of myself covered in blood on this dreamless night is hard to ignore. This happened the night after the most memorable dream I have had in years. I think it further validates this idea. That dreams are wonderful and perfect, and that the actual thing will only destroy that perfect dream you have.
That everything around you will deteriorate.
But in your dreams you live forever, you achieve everything, your friends and family live by your side in your support.
In truth, I felt my own morality heavy upon me. That one day, after all my dreams are done, and I have no more time for fictional beauty, I will die, die and never dream again. Only rest, forever, in a dreamless sleep.
That life can never be as good as we wish it to be. And that in our triumphs there is tragedy. Yet in our tragedies there is also triumph, the birth of a new dream, the dream of what could have been. What will never be, except in your own reality. And really, that is all we have.
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Sorry if you find this post depressing, I do not. I also do not wish you to think that I hate life, I love life. I truly do. I wish to find someone wonderful, and I want that person to become more than a dream. I want someone as flawed as I am. As human, as mortal. Someone to share my hopes and fears. That is a dream that reality will be able to meet.
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7 comments:
I considered not allowing comments for this post, but I decided I would. Just please, don't try and reassure me that I am great or anything, or that life is better than I described it.
And please, don't talk about religion. Please.
Mark -- your post was beautiful.
I share your desires and identify with you said -- but I think we all do, no matter who we are.
No, it didn't depress me. Your writing makes me smile: it empowers all the empathy within me, making me feel as if there is someone out there feeling what I am feeling, and that therefore I can feel for them what I want to feel myself.
Simply put, you are brilliant -- not only in what you say, but in the way that everything you say reflects light on what is around you -- shining light on all of us, and on what it basically means to be human. I admire that capacity very much.
By the way, I am not reassuring you in any way -- but I honestly believe rather that it is you who are reassuring me - this is my honest evaluation - and I am complementing this.
You are human, therefore you are not great. However, your capacity for humanity (and your capacity for understanding and contemplating it) is great in and of itself - and since this quality is distinct from your physical nature -- it is free to be great of its own accord, and I recognize it as such.
I am sorry for the double post, but I am not sorry for double posting.
Thank you Alex. That is perhaps the highest praise I have ever received, and most likely the most honest.
I considered for a long while not to post this, but the fact that you understood what I was trying to say in my post makes it worth it. So, once again, thank you Alex.
Well, I do admit if you hadn't told me not to praise you, I would've praised you...so I can't take so much credit for that...if someone does something great, why not give praise to the person?
As much as we can say "good people do bad things" or "bad people do good things", we could say "good people do great things", or "bad people have done great things". It is the things we do that define who we are, not who we are that defines the things we do, to begin with. For while each of us does possess certain characteristics once we are born (genetic qualities, etc.) enabling us to be certain ways, that is still not a complete picture of who we are. We do have the power to overcome this very much and if we do overcome we should be praised.
For we can say, people do things because of circumstance. That may be true, but people also do things in spite of circumstance. Not one of us is a blank slate, but we have the power to reinvent ourselves nonetheless.
As much as this constant reinvention of ourselves through our deeds and the way we live is a practice of virtue, I look up to you, because you strive to carry on where it takes you. And this is as much a fundamentally human choice as any there ever was: to actively follow a path we may be uncertain of where it leads because something we do not recognize leads us onwards.
And this is the "spiritual" beyond and above the "subject not to be named" that is a quality of yours which I admire.
I really hope I haven't lowered anyone's opinion of myself by saying too much or by using Mark's appreciation as a mandate to give my own views without request. But I feel as if by saying I care about your opinion of me I am being arrogant still. I have resolved myself to the fact that almost all positive statements are in some way arrogant until proven differently, and I accept that.
I am glad you posted this, Mark, and I would've understood if you didn't allow comments. Just as you were unsure of posting this, I am unsure of this reply - but my desire to comment and my anticipation of the reaction is stronger than any shame I would ever feel as a reaction.
I admire and envy your talent for putting profound thought into words. I wish I could do the same half as well as you can.
Maybe it's the fact that I am listening to the Flaming Lips or that I've been reading a lot of Vonnegut and you are one of the few who know of his greatness, but reading this I can't help but think of something Vonnegut might have written.
I think everyone can attest to what you spoke of in your blog. I know I feel that same way about things. I also see that you are like me in the fact that you are torn between a sort of existential and, for a lack of better phrase, not existential philosophy of life. Maybe you can then find the deep meaning that I find in my motto, "C'est la vie." Maybe not. I am not one to really figure that out.
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